Embracing Hope
10/25/2017 ..
When President Ronald Reagan proclaimed October to be National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, he made the poignant observation that “When a child loses his parent, they are called an orphan. When a spouse loses his or her partner, they are called a widow or widower. When parents lose their child, there isn't a word to describe them.”
Perhaps it is this lack of description that perpetuates the silence surrounding pregnancy loss. It is a common experience not commonly talked about; 1 in 4 confirmed pregnancies end in loss by miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant death.
Three years ago I was hospitalized for eight days with life threatening complications following an IVF cycle, and the two precious embryos they had transferred to my womb had not implanted. We had been trying to build our family for seven years at that point, and had had high hopes for success with IVF. I was devastated, broken in mind, body and spirit, utterly defeated.
I had called several churches and left messages with care pastors explaining that I was lonely, scared, and grieving. After not hearing back from anyone and knowing I needed community, I did a google search for “Infertility Support Group” and discovered that Saddleback hosted what was then the only group in all of Orange County.
I called the church and a wonderful woman answered and gave me directions to where the group would meet. She also talked with me as I cried, and listened to my story, and encouraged me.
Unbeknownst to me that day, it would be four more months before I was physically well enough to attend the group, but just knowing it was there and I would get to visit one day was enough to get me through those trying months of illness.
I remember being scared going that first night. Would they really understand? What if they judged me? What if they told me the dreaded “Just relax and pray harder?”
That first night sitting in group, sharing my story and meeting other women who knew the longing and pain I felt, changed my life. I remember exclaiming “You, too?!” when another woman shared her anger and bitter feelings related to her own infertility battle, and just like that I was no longer alone, but in a place where pain and grief were accepted and walked through in community with comfort and grace.
I would face the loss of another precious embryo and the pain of a failed adoption during that first year that I attended group, but I did not face them alone, and I did not mourn alone. I had women praying with and for me, crying with and for me and holding me up.
About a year later, as the current leader was stepping down, I began leading the group. And now, two years later, I still lead the group. I’ve now walked alongside dozens of women who felt alone and unseen as I did. We’ve mourned lost babies and shattered dreams and also celebrated births and adoptions. I’ve shared my story countless times, not because I did something, but because in the depths of darkness and despair God met me, provided community and gave me a chance to see beauty be made from ashes (Isaiah 61:3), Anna said.
Out of our pain, we want to mourn with those who mourn, and grieve with those who are grieving, but sometimes it can be difficult to put practical actions behind these principles. Here are some gentle guidelines that have been helpful for me and for those walking with others experiencing this pain. They are by no means exhaustive, but hopefully will provide a template from which to build.
Grieving with Hope
And now, dear brothers and sisters, we want you to know what will happen to the believers who have died so you will not grieve like people who have no hope. For since we believe that Jesus died and was raised to life again, we also believe that when Jesus returns, God will bring back with him the believers who have died. 1 Thessalonians 4:13-14
We believe that the lost child is in heaven, and that one day because of what Jesus did for us, we will join that child in heaven for eternity. This is an important truth to hold on to, yet it can also cause unintended pain when we focus so very much on the hope of heaven that we forget the hurt and loss that exist on this side. Unintentional hurt can occur with statements such as “God needed another angel in heaven!” or “This is God’s will.”
A grieving parent might hear these as being told NOT to mourn their loss, or that sadness is a sign of lacking faith. But the hopes and dreams they had for that child here on earth—the kisses and cuddles, the milestones of first steps and first words—are all very real losses and ought to be honored. Instead, remind loved ones that God is with them NOW, in the hurt, and pray with them for comfort here in addition to holding the hope for heaven. We are still to grieve our losses, but with the hope of heaven always in our sights.
Mourning with the Mourning
Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. Romans 12:15
There is no timetable for grief. A lost child will be mourned for the lifespan of the parents. It is important that friends and family also remember the lost child. The parents will never forget, so saying to them “I am thinking of you and your baby today” is not going to bring more hurt, but rather it will give comfort because they will know that the life of their baby is remembered with love. It can also be appropriate to ask the grieving parent which days are meaningful to them and provide extra support those days.
Comfort the Hurting
Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ. Galatians 6:2
Like mourning, this is important that it is not rushed. In the rush to fix things, unintended pain can be added to the loss. Statements such as “You’ll get pregnant again!” may seem like they are providing hope and comfort, but the grieving parent wants the child that was lost, and no one will replace that child. Instead of quick-fix statements, the best type of comfort to offer in loss is the gift of presence. “I am here. What do you need today?” or the practical comfort of a meal, or help with chores, or even saying “I don’t know what to say, I am so sorry for your loss” and giving a hug or a hand to hold. In our rush to provide comfort we can sometimes forget the power that comes from simply sitting with the hurting person and listening to their hurt.
Here at Saddleback Church we have the wonderful resources of the Empty Arms Ministry and Infertility Support Groups to help support grieving parents, in addition to wonderful counselors, pastors, and volunteers.
There is a couples infertility support group that meets from 10-12 pm the first Saturday of the month and a women’s infertility support group that meets the third Thursday of the month. Both meetings are in the Education Room 3 at the Rancho Capistrano campus. For more information, contact Anna Hornbostel at anna@yet-life.com. They also have a retreat coming up in January.
For more information on the Empty Arms Support Group contact Alex:
949-609-8370