Walking in Freedom
04/09/2018 ..
Those who knew Kimberly in her freshman year in high school would say she was beautiful, athletic, and smart. She excelled in sports, won awards, and succeeded in school. But when Kimberly looks at her freshman picture, all she sees is brokenness, inadequacy, and meaninglessness.
That’s because in her early childhood, Kimberly’s life was changed forever. She was raped when she was 10. When she told her family, her parents demanded Kimberly stay in her room for a month. During that lonely time, everything Kimberly thought she knew began to unravel. She was traumatized and those days included dark, foreboding feelings. She began to wonder, “Will I ever be able to pull myself out of this black hole? Would I ever be a carefree, happy girl again?”
Rape isn’t just about sex; it is more about violence, dominance, humiliation, and control. Despite Kimberly’s valiant efforts to regain the dignity that was robbed from her, she suffered incest at 13, and began to feel like all she was good for was sex. Even though on the outside, people thought Kimberly was happy; on the inside, she was felt like a shattered mess.
She married her high school sweetheart. Her father, who walked her down the aisle, died eight weeks after the wedding. Kimberly didn’t know how to grieve his passing and ended up stuffing the feelings. She had her first child at 21. Soon after the delivery, her husband started abusing her. In a rage he once beat Kimberly so badly her entire face was black and blue. Not sure how to live differently, Kimberly began to drink in order to stay strong for her family.
Eventually, Kimberly and her husband had three children, but the marriage was cracking at the seams.
“My husband left me for another woman. What I didn’t know was he had been cheating on me for years.”
Trying to take care of herself and her three children grew taxing for Kimberly and she began abusing drugs and alcohol.
For years, fear followed her as she tried to raise her children. Her husband never provided court-ordered child support, evictions were common, and earning a paycheck was difficult with three children to care for.
“After he left, I slowly grew out of control. My life was filled with crazy; dangerous times leading to homelessness for me and my three children.”
From being homeless with no hope, Kimberly and her family entered the House of Hope in Orange County, a Christ-centered Safe House for abused women and children. It was there in July 1994 at age 33 she publicly accepted Jesus as her Lord and Savior, starting her journey as a believer. Learning how to live life differently with Christ at the center of her life while at HOH was a new beginning.
“We were the first family to graduate,” Kimberly explains with pride.
Life seemed to be going well until her children started leaving for college. Their departures opened up unhealed wounds.
“I didn’t have a strong support community. I was still bound in shame and didn’t want to talk about it. My drug and alcohol use began to increase. I even became someone’s mistress or a while. All it brought me was material things. I broke it off because of a feeling of unworthiness.”
Year after tumultuous year passed. During this time, Kimberly felt God reaching out to her.
“If I was honest with myself, I knew even through all my wreckage, God had never left me. But my addictions kept me from accepting him into my life. I was depending entirely on myself. I knew what the Word said, but it hadn’t penetrated my soul.”
On her 51st birthday, Kimberly entered a detox center with her own ideas and own plans, but God had a different plan for her. Nearing the end of the residential program she didn’t have a place to live. It was at a Woman in Recovery Retreat that another believer in recovery came up and said, “I have a room to rent.” Kimberly took her up on her offer. She found out later that this woman enjoyed living alone, but was following a prompting of the Holy Spirit to ask Kimberly to room with her. They’ve been roommates now for over five years.
Kimberly began Celebrate Recovery® and realized that healing involved unpacking all the layers of guilt, betrayal, and hurt. She began to worship more often at Saddleback Church eventually desiring to be part of a Women’s Bible study. Joining the "Women in the Word" Bible study on Monday nights helped her grow spiritually. When Kimberly was asked to be a table leader, she felt honored. She explained she didn’t want to take on the mantle of leadership until finishing CR.
“Sobriety broke my chains. Before that, I didn’t know what joy was. The most difficult healing took place in CR by being honest with myself. I forgave the men who wounded me. But more importantly, I learned to lean on Jesus and the Holy Spirit. Now as a Community Leader on Monday nights, a part of the CR Community, Usher Ministry and being a part of her Small group, “I’m not isolated in my own disease. I trust and know that God is in control.”
The lessons in Kimberly’s story are similar to those of Hagar in Genesis 16. Hagar was forced to bear Abraham’s child when Sarah grew impatient with God’s timing; Hagar had no say in her sexual encounter with Abraham. Once pregnant, Hagar was mistreated by Sarah just as Kimberly was abandoned by her family in her greatest time of need. But through all of Hagar’s suffering, God was near. When Hagar fled into the desert feeling humiliated because of Sarah’s mistreatment, God met her to console her. Hagar told the Lord, “You are the God who sees me.” God instructed her to return to Sarah, Hagar was open and receptive to God’s leading. In the same fashion, Kimberly learned to lean into God for comfort and recovery. Much like Hagar, Kimberly realized, “God is in control. He already knows what people need. People know his love, but don’t accept all of it. We don’t give all of ourselves to God. But when we go deeper with God, we don’t have to worry about our future. Nothing separates us from the love of God.”