Flip the Script: Being a Healer Versus a Fixer
04/24/2018 ..
I have the honor and privilege of walking alongside a group of amazing women. They come from all backgrounds, span many ages and carry unique hurts, but they have one thing in common: infertility. The medical definition of infertility is that it is a disease of the reproductive system that inhibits conception and pregnancy. It is estimated that 1 in 8 couples are impacted by infertility. This means the odds are great that a woman you know is currently struggling to grow her family, and she may be struggling in silence. The emotional and spiritual impact of this disease is vast, and yet because of a shroud of silence and shame many women walk this road alone, afraid to open up.
As group member E.A. shares, “Personally speaking, every time someone asked me why I didn’t have kids, I made an excuse like we were waiting for my husband to finish his master’s program, etc. And every time I felt my heart breaking more.”
This week, April 22-28, is National Infertility Awareness Week. The theme of this year’s week is “Flip the Script.” To “Flip the Script” means to change the conversation surrounding infertility, and it means opening our eyes and hearts to the hurting women around us. It means flipping the silence and shame over to support and understanding.
The most common theme that I hear from women who walk into the support group is shame. They speak of how they feel like the are the only ones who are struggling. As L.V. notes, “We always celebrate the mothers and fathers that have kids, but not the ones who are trying or have tried and have babies in heaven. They need to acknowledge the struggle as well as the success.”
Without this acknowledgement many women feel excluded from church and society, sitting on the sidelines. But sitting with hurt, especially deep hurt, can be uncomfortable and it certainly isn’t something very many people are taught how to do. Most of the time we want to avoid both our own discomfort and the discomfort of the person sitting across from us, and this can lead us to become fixers rather than healers. Fixers mean well and want to help, but in their race to offer quick solutions they can cause more hurt than help. Healers want to go deeper.
Jesus was a healer, and he was certainly someone who liked to flip the script! When the woman who was bleeding touched his cloak (Mark chapter 5), he turned and acknowledged her. He could have let her have the “quick fix” of physical healing, but he knew that all of those years of bleeding and suffering had left her shamed and stigmatized, isolated from community because she was deemed “unclean,” so he turned and gave her the gift of emotional healing as well: acknowledgment and validation. As someone who once felt invisible because of the shame of infertility I can imagine the healing that came with his gaze!
Fixer statements are ones that offer quick solutions without acknowledging pain. Over the years in our support groups a sort of “greatest hits” list of fixer statements has developed.
I’ll list the top 10 here:
1) Just relax!
2) Just adopt!
3) At least you can sleep in! (or travel, etc.)
4) Stop thinking about it and it’ll happen
5) You should try this vitamin (or diet, exercise regimen, etc.)
6) Maybe God doesn’t want you to be a parent
7) You’ll be pregnant soon- I know it!
8) Don’t lose hope!
9) You need to pray harder
10) You can have mine!
Each of these statements are meant to be helpful and hopeful - but instead they shut down conversation and oftentimes leave the listener feeling blamed and shamed. They don’t acknowledge the hurt, confusion, and frustration that bubble under the surface of infertility, and they certainly don’t invite connection and vulnerability.
As Pastor Rick says, “The deeper the hurt the fewer the words.” It can be really difficult to listen to someone and not want to fix it, but “flipping the script” means sitting with the hurting and hearing, acknowledging and validating that hurt. And infertility is a hurt that runs deep; impacting identity and self-worth, delaying or destroying dreams, damaging relationships, challenging faith, and decimating finances.
Here are five phrases that can help replace fixer statements when talking to someone walking infertility, loss or any other deep hurt:
1) Tell me your story
2) This must be hard for you
3) I’m sorry you hurt
4) Can I pray with you?
5) How can I support you through this?
Healing phrases validate what the person is experiencing and seek to understand that experience. They let the person sitting across from us know that they are seen and valued. They don’t feel as fast or effective as fixer statements, but if we “flip the script” and seek connection above solution we might just be surprised at the healing we are able to help facilitate.
Here at Saddleback Church we have the wonderful resources of Infertility Support Groups to help support grieving parents, in addition to wonderful counselors, pastors, and volunteers.
There is a couples infertility support group that meets from 10-12 pm the first Saturday of the month and a women’s infertility support group that meets the third Thursday of the month. Both meetings are in the Education Room 3 at the Rancho Capistrano campus. For more information, contact Anna Hornbostel at anna@yet-life.com.