Corona SSM Blog (parents)

Social Networking Websites Explained

Tue, 02 Feb 2010 03:00:00 GMT

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Jim Burns, President of HomeWord is joined by Roger Marsh (radio producer and author) and they discuss social networking: What they are and why they appeal to today's teens. You can also check out his website at http://www.homeword.com/

Blocks to a Healthy Self Image in Kids

Tue, 19 Jan 2010 16:00:00 GMT

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Jim Burns, President of HomeWord, discusses the blocks that prevent the formation of a healthy self image in kids. You can also visit his website http://www.homeword.com/

Changing the Climate Of Your Communication in Marriage

Tue, 12 Jan 2010 02:45:00 GMT

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Jim Burns, President of HomeWord, shares tips for how to improve the climate of communication in your marriage. You can also check out his website at http://www.homeword.com/

Bring Some A.W.E. Into Your Marriage

Tue, 22 Dec 2009 01:57:00 GMT

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Jim Burns, President of HomeWord, details what it means to bring AWE (affection, warmth, and encouragement) into your marriage. You can also check out his website at http://www.homeword.com/

DAILY Attitude Adjustments: Stop Complaining

Tue, 15 Dec 2009 05:59:00 GMT

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Jim Burns, President of HomeWord, says that to follow God daily means we need to stop complaining. You can also check out his website at http://www.homeword.com/

Confident Parenting: The Lesson of Discipline and Grace

Tue, 08 Dec 2009 02:30:00 GMT

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Jim Burns, President of HomeWord, provides insights to parents on the delicate balance of providing consistent discipline within the home while creating an atmosphere of grace. You can also check out his website at http://www.homeword.com/.

Forgiveness

Mon, 30 Nov 2009 16:00:00 GMT

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Jim Burns, President of HomeWord, speaks about the power of forgiveness to create intimacy in marriage. In this clip, Burns tells spouses not to judge when they have been wronged, but to forgive and leave judgement to God.

You can also check out Jim Burns Web Site http://www.homeword.com/

Confident Parenting: The Lesson of the Shema

Tue, 24 Nov 2009 01:38:00 GMT

Jim Burns, President of HomeWord, shares "The Lesson of the Shema" with parents. The lesson provides a biblical basis for transmitting faith from parent to child. You can also check out more resources from http://www.homeword.com/

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The Link Between Self Esteem and Sex

Tue, 17 Nov 2009 01:59:00 GMT

Jim Burns, President of HomeWord, speaks to parents about the link between a teen's sexuality and their self-esteem. You can also visit http://www.homeword.com/

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Tips for Guiding Your Kids Online

Tue, 10 Nov 2009 03:20:00 GMT

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Jim Burns also has a website with more videos at http://www.homeword.com/

Confident Parenting

Tue, 03 Nov 2009 01:03:00 GMT

A video by Jim Burns...

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Parent with Affirmation

Tue, 27 Oct 2009 03:04:00 GMT

Here is a video from a good friend and mentor of Doug Fields. Jim Burns has a strong passion for parents and families and you can check out his web page at http://www.homeword.com/.

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Mirror, mirror

Tue, 20 Oct 2009 04:28:00 GMT

By Walt Mueller

Last summer, I spent some time reflecting on my reflection. I turned 50 at the end of July. Of course I spent time thinking about the lessons I'd learned and the blessings I'd received over the course of the first five decades of my life. The very fact that I was pondering how fast time flies, proves the fact that I've been aging. After all, I grew up hearing all the "old" people in my life say the same thing.

But it was what I saw in the mirror that really got me thinking about my age. I caught myself lamenting my changing hairline, waistline and wrinkle lines. Processing the mirrored image through prevailing cultural standards left what I was facing look pretty undesirable. The same culture that set those standards offers me an endless array of products and processes promising to put a smile on my aging face and a spring in my slowing step by retarding and reversing the effects of time and gravity. But processing the reality of aging's effects on my body theologically-through the eyes of a Christian world and life view-left me thinking something entirely different: "Mirror, mirror on the wall, what I see is from the fall."

You see, along with spiritual death and the sufferings of life, physical death and the process of aging are a result of humankind's sinful rebellion against God, a rebellion that started in the Garden of Eden and which continues today. And try as hard as we might, we're only fooling ourselves if we think we can avoid, reverse or put any of it off. The fact is, I'm wasting away and in need of a redeemer, and nothing I can buy, apply, use, ingest or enlist can reverse the effects of sin. Diets, cosmetics, hair dye, Rogaine, exercise, tanning beds and plastic surgery are marketed to us non-stop as redeemers that can make our broken lives whole once more. Oh, these things might serve to temporarily hide the reality and make me feel good by helping me to forget it all for awhile, but the reality of my sin, my sorry state and my need for redemption is still there waiting to rear its ugly head . no matter how handsome and young-looking my head might be.

If all of this is a battle for us as adults, imagine what it must be like for our kids. More than any other prior generation, they've been pounded since birth by media messages that are convincingly leading them down the road of false promises, and they don't even know it. Adolescence is a time when our kids need to be encouraged and built up. But by setting standards for beauty and body image that are largely unattainable, the media can mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually rip our kids apart, leading them away from the One true Redeemer.

Consider television. Let's face it, ugly and overweight people don't make it on TV unless they are cast as ugly and overweight people. Unfortunately, our definition of what is ugly and overweight has been defined, in many ways, by television. TV is overloaded with "beautiful people" who don't look much like anything most of us see when we look in the mirror. The women are slim and trim. The men are dashing and muscular. And everyone is "good-looking." Today's shows are engaging, but they provide our kids with more than a half hour or hour of entertainment. They are full of spoken and unspoken lessons on life that powerfully shape impressionable young hearts and minds. One of TV's most powerful lessons is that of body image and appearance. Kids learn that teens who have fun with friends have nice bodies, beautiful hair and clear complexions. While these messages are no doubt life-shaping for males, too, it is girls who pay the highest price. Quentin Schultze summarizes TV's appearance message: "It's impossible to miss the point: women are what they look like, not what they accomplish or what they value and believe. Their looks are their essence, for their body determines their identity as well as their image in the minds of family members and especially peers. Without the proper look, identity and intimacy will never be satisfactorily achieved."¹

A few years ago a middle-school-aged girl came to me in tears over her looks: "I'm too short. I don't like the color of my hair. And my face looks funny." When I asked her why she wasn't happy with the way she looked (she was a beautiful kid), she began to describe each feature she would like to change and gave me an example of someone who had the particular characteristic she coveted. Sadly, each person she mentioned was one of the "beautiful people" she had seen on TV, in videos, on the movie screen or in any number of magazines. She wanted to become them because she hated herself. In reality, she hated herself because she believed they had become what she saw on paper and film. In later conversations I learned that she had been trying to build herself up by telling her friends that she had just signed a modeling contract. She also told me she was thinking seriously about plastic surgery.

All the images our kids see combine to define a culturally created standard of beauty that few people ever attain. You may wonder why your children are so consumed with spending time in front of the mirror. The answer is simple. They are trying to measure up to the images they've seen plastered on TV, the printed page, the big screen and billboards. They balance perilously between trying to measure up and the frustration of never measuring up. My two daughters have grown up in a world where you're led to believe you have to look like a supermodel to be acceptable to guys. Sadly, my sons have grown up in a world where they're led to believe this is what any girl worth your time and attention looks like. Guys spend their time trying to develop big biceps, ripped abs and the look of the handsome guys who, in the ads, seem to be getting all the attention of one or more girls.

As time passes, the standards change, becoming increasingly unrealistic and more difficult to attain. Mary Pipher, author of Reviving Ophelia, reports that in 1950, the White Rock mineral-water girl was 5 feet 4 inches tall and weighed 140 pounds. Today, she stands 5 feet 10 inches tall and weighs only 110.² These same unrealistic standards pummel our kids through daily media portrayals. A recent study that examined the effect of teen-targeted television on teenage viewers concluded that "as in most of television, these shows tend to cast svelte, attractive females and, to a lesser extent, handsome and 'buff' males. In terms of body type, no heavier-than-average main teenage characters appeared on these programs."³

These are the standards being adopted by those who encounter them in media. One study traced this growing problem by measuring the level of body satisfaction among women. In 1972, 23 percent of women felt "wholesale displeasure" with their bodies. That number had increased to 38 percent by 1985, and to 48 percent by 1997.⁴ A more recent study looked at the problem of female body dissatisfaction on a global scale. The study found that only a minority of women see themselves as being above average in appearance, and only 2 percent describe themselves as "beautiful." Forty-eight percent of the women surveyed strongly agreed with the statement, "When I feel less beautiful, I feel worse about myself in general." Only 11 percent strongly disagreed with that same statement. Of the women surveyed, 63 percent strongly agreed that "women today are expected to be more physically attractive than their mother's generation was," and 60 percent strongly agreed that "society expects women to enhance their physical attractiveness." Fifty-nine percent strongly agreed that "physically attractive women are more valued by men." In addition, 57 percent of all women strongly agree that "the attributes of female beauty have become very narrowly defined in today's world," and 68 percent strongly agree that "the media and advertising set an unrealistic standard of beauty that most women can't ever achieve." Finally, 76 percent strongly agreed that they wished that female beauty was portrayed in the media as being made up of more than just physical attractiveness, and 75 percent strongly agreed that they wished the media did a better job of portraying women of diverse physical attractiveness, including age, shape, and size.⁵ To their credit, the Unilever Company, makers of Dove soap, commissioned this survey, which yielded a new advertising campaign featuring more "normal" and "average" female models.

It should come as no surprise that a connection has been made between media body-image standards, and the rise in occurrence of eating disorders. One study found media consumption "significantly predicted" symptoms of eating disorders among women and attitudes in favor of thinness and dieting among men.⁶

What has been the effect among young people? College-aged students who watch TV shows and read magazines that overemphasize sex and the body tend to be more prone to define themselves by how their body appears to others.⁷ Another study measured the effects of soap operas and music videos on teenage viewers, concluding that "boys who watched music videos were at higher risk of developing the male version of body-obsession-a drive toward lean, hyper-muscular physiques," and TV soap operas (daytime and primetime) "may help make adolescent girls desperate for a thinness few can healthily achieve."⁸ Other research finds that for boys and girls who identify with television stars, girls who identify with models, and boys who identify with athletes, there is a positive correlation with body dissatisfaction.⁹

Just when you thought it couldn't get any worse, the Internet has become a place where young people struggling with their own body image can go to be encouraged-yes, that's right, encouraged-to celebrate eating disorders such as anorexia and bulimia as fashionable. These pro-anorexia Web sites have become online communities and support groups for those who worship the goddess "Ana" (short for "anorexia"). These sites offer tips, tricks, quotes, images and creeds (that reveal the ideological beliefs of disordered eaters).

On the bright side, there are those in the media who are taking responsibility by spearheading efforts to reverse the media's negative influence regarding body image. For example, Jamie Lee Curtis appeared on the cover of the September 2002 edition of More magazine. While she'd appeared on the covers of numerous magazines before, this time it was for a different reason. Inside, the article and photos revealed the truth about magazine photo shoots, how they're doctored and how long it takes a model to get ready for one. In fact, she told readers that it took 13 people three hours to get her ready for the More shoot. Then, she allowed readers to see what she really looks like. Wearing a sport bra and briefs, Curtis had the magazine photograph her and then place the undoctored photo inside. Her honesty was admirable, and the Jamie Lee Curtis in the undoctored photo looked remarkably normal and different than the version on the cover. They're photos all our kids should see.

Another positive step was taken when Christina Kelly took over as editor of YM magazine in 2002. Aware of the body-image issue, Kelly banned dieting stories and started featuring larger-sized models in the popular teen-girl magazine. When she made the jump to a similar position at Elle Girl in 2005, she decided to do the same by getting rid of stories on weight loss and dieting.

While these are steps in the right direction, they are only very small ripples in a very large mass of media water. Media's unhealthy obsession with body image and the resulting pressure on kids yield two results. First, they sell a slew of products designed to make us more attractive, and to slow and stop the inevitable process of aging. And second, they sell an image that 99.9 percent of the people in this world will never attain. As a result, kids and adults waste terrible amounts of time, energy and money on pursuit of the dream, only to be let down over and over again.

We are raising a generation of kids-both girls and boys-who have been hammered by images of culturally defined beauty and perfect body-types since the day they were born. Consequently, they believe they are nothing unless they look and are shaped a certain way. Never are they told by the media that if they have nothing in this world but a relationship with God through Christ, they will have everything.

What message are you sending to the kids you know and love? Yes, there's a lot of muddled muck to cut through. But we must tell them the wonderful story of the One who gives life. Then, when they look in the mirror, they will be satisfied with what they see because they will understand it's all been undone.

Notes:

1 Quentin J. Schultze, Winning Your Kids Back From The Media (Downer's Grove, Ill.: InterVarsity Press, 1994), 149.

2 Mary Pipher, Reviving Ophelia: Saving the Selves of Adolescent Girls (New York: Ballantine Books, 1994), 184.

3 Donna Mitroff, "Prime-Time Teens: Perspectives on the New Youth-Media Environment," 2004, www.wtgrantfoundation.org/usr_doc/PrimeTimeMediascope2004.pdf, (2 June 2006).

4 Karen Lee-Thorp, "Is Beauty the Beast?" Christianity Today, 14 July 1997, 31.

5 Nancy Etcoff, Susie Orbach, Jennifer Scott, and Heidi D'Agostino, "The Real Truth About Beauty: A Global Report - Findings of the Global Study on Women, Beauty, and Well-Being," Commissioned by Dove, September 2004.

6 Kristen Harrison and Joanne Cantor, "The Relationship Between Media Consumption and Eating Disorders," Journal of Communication 47(1), 1997, 60.

7 "TV, magazines affect viewers' body image," USA Today, 4 May 2006, 10D.

8 E.J. Mundall, "Soaps, Music Videos Linked to Teens' Body Image," HealthDay Page, 14 June 2005, www.healthday.com, (15 November 2005).

9 "Fact Sheet: Media's Effect on Girls: Body Image and Gender Identity," National Institute on Media and the Family Page, 6 September 2002, www.mediafamily.org, (7 December 2005).

To check out more articles like this one click here, or visit CPYU.org

The Center for Parent/Youth Understanding grants permission for this article to be copied in its entirety, provided the copies are distributed free of charge and the copies indicate the source as the Center for Parent/Youth Understanding.

For more information on resources to help you understand today's rapidly changing youth culture, contact the Center for Parent/Youth Understanding.

"I LOVE YOU 12"

Tue, 13 Oct 2009 02:58:00 GMT

by Walt Mueller

I never thought this day would arrive. Back in December of 1983, the fall of 2001 was light years away. But in hindsight, it went as quickly as an overnight. It's as if I fell asleep holding my newborn first child in my arms, and then I woke up, looked down at her, and found myself staring in disbelief at a young woman. I remember older more experienced parents warning me that it would happen this way but I didn't believe them. I guess they were right.

Just about the time you'll be reading these words, our 17-year-old daughter Caitlin will be starting her senior year in high school. Over the next few months she'll turn 18, decide where she wants to attend college next fall, and graduate from high school. God-willing - and if everything goes as planned - she'll also take a one-way ride in a car loaded down with clothes, boxes, bags, and anything else she can cram in. Lisa and I will help her lug all that stuff into a dorm room, hug her, issue more instructions than she'll want to hear (as usual!), tell her we love her, say a tearful "goodbye," and then head home as Caitlin starts the next phase of her life.

I've written a short letter to Caitlin that I've decided to share with you. It doesn't include everything I want to say to her as she starts her last year of high school. But it does communicate my prayers and desires for her as her father and as one who watches the culture in which she finds herself living everyday. To be honest, my words are not written to Caitlin alone - they're for me as well. Perhaps you'll find them challenging too.

Fall 2001

Dear Caitlin,

Lately I've found myself consumed with a confusing mix of emotions as I think about this, your last year of high school. My guess is that this will be a year of many "lasts" for you - your last year at home, your last prom, your last year playing high school hockey and soccer, your last year of math (hurray!!!), etc. I know these are things you've been thinking about too.

The hardest part for me has been thinking about the new kind of "goodbye" I'm going to have to learn how to say when me and mom drop you off at school next fall. That will be an exciting time of new beginnings for you and it will be one of those parent/child conversations I'm sure none of us will ever forget.

As I make a deliberate effort to enjoy your senior year with you while learning to "let go" of my oldest child for the first time, I've found myself thinking back over the years to the many wonderful conversations and times we've spent together. Those memories always start with December 1^st, 1983, and the moment I held you for the first time. That moment seems like yesterday to me. You were maybe five to ten seconds old when Dr. Edwards put you into my arms. I had the privilege of excitedly telling your mother, "Lisa, it's a little girl! And she's beautiful!" Then I said some words that were probably pretty frightening to everyone in the room - ". . . . she looks just like me!" That was the first time you heard my voice. Shortly after that - not surprisingly - you really started to cry. Sorry to have done that to you! Fortunately for you and the rest of the world, God's shown His favor to you by allowing you to grow up to look like your mother!

Since that most incredible of days, you've heard my voice over, and over, and over again. I hope you agree that most of our conversations have been good. Some, we probably both regret. But, while our many memorable conversations are too numerous to recount in this letter, there's one of my favorite conversations that we had too many times to count. When I think about it, it always makes me smile. Do you remember the recurring conversation I'm talking about? I remember the first time we had it. You were little - maybe three or four-years-old - and I said to you, "Caitlin, I love you." You eagerly responded, "Daddy, I love you too." Then I asked you, "How much do you love me?" You answered, "I love you 12!" I just assumed that was the highest number you knew at the time and it was your way of telling me you loved me as much as any little girl could. We had that conversation so many times when you were little. From time to time over the years we've stepped back and relived that interchange as you've continued to tell me that you love me "12."

As you've grown up, our conversations haven't always been as humorous or positive. We've disagreed, argued, and been frustrated with each other. That's normal. But, while I know you sometimes get tired of hearing my voice - all my little talks, instructions, and never-ending questions - you can be sure that you'll have to endure the same kind of adulthood that your grandfather has given to me. Yes, I'll continue to offer my advice regardless of whether or not you ask for it. Some call it "a father's privilege." I think it's something more like "a father's love." So once again, I want to show my love for you by passing on some words to a daughter who has brought me such great joy through her passion for life, sense of humor, creativity, and yes - even her impulsive spontaneity!

Because the number "12" was such a big part of your expression of deep love for me when you were little, I want to lovingly remind you of 12 character traits that I hope and pray will be descriptive of who you become as you prepare to leave our house and move out into the world. Because of my deep love for you, I pray that these traits would be evident in your life - during your last year of high school and throughout your future.

Because of my deep love for you, I'm reminding you of your need to pursue Godliness by asking God to help you to "become" each of these 12 traits of what I believe is Godly character. Each word describes a quality highly valued by God that is increasingly forgotten or frowned upon by our culture. Caitlin, if you prayerfully seek to live out these traits in today's world, you'll be fulfilling the purpose you were created for as a dearly loved child of God. I know you are looking forward to the rest of your life with great anticipation. Nothing can be more rewarding, satisfying, and fulfilling as knowing Christ and living in the freedom of obedience to Him.

First and foremost, glorify God in everything you are and everything you do. Live for the one who died for you by turning to Him as the guide and director of all your thoughts, all your feelings, and all your actions. The world will encourage you to see yourself as "#1." But don't be self-centered. You were made by God to be God-centered. Praise and glorify God by how you live, how you study, how you play, how you converse, and how you relate.

Second, strive to be consistent in your faith. If you are looking for models on how to talk about following Christ while actually living by other priorities, there's plenty out there. In fact, the church is increasingly marked by "dis-integrated" Christians. Caitlin, ask God to help you look closely at your life each and every day. Ask him to expose those areas of your life where you must allow him to rule. Strive for a life of integration. Your faith should not be just one part of your life. Instead, it should guide, direct, permeate, and inform every area of your life - at home, at school, in the car, with your friends, on the athletic field, etc.

Third, be full of thanksgiving. Everything you have, are, and do is a gift from God. Don't think they come from you. Instead, realize that all the good gifts you experience are purely by the grace of God. And when you experience emotional, spiritual, or physical difficulty - and you will - be sure to thank God for those gifts as well. Why? Because He's gives you those difficulties as part of the refining process. He's growing your faith. Gratefully recognize the source of your blessings.

Fourth, develop and use discernment. Your life will be full of choices - many of them difficult. Caitlin, the world is encouraging you to make decisions based on what "feels good" to you at the moment. You're already surrounded by people who live that way. It will only get worse. Make all your decisions - what you listen to, what you watch, who you choose as close friends, who you marry, how you spend your time, what you do vocationally - on the basis of God's unchanging Word. Don't trust your changing feelings as a gauge to discover and do what seems right. Instead, study and follow God's Word so that you can choose to do what is right.

Fifth, live a life marked by grace. I realize how much I've failed to live this way in my relationship with you. I'm learning that as your earthly father, I must relate to you with the same measure of grace my heavenly father has given to me. Grace is undeserved favor. It's greatest expression came in the gift of the life, death, and resurrection of Jesus on our behalf - something we could never earn or deserve. Caitlin, show that same grace to every person you encounter.

Sixth, continue to be a person of compassion. Mom and I have always been proud of you for the way you seem to go out of your way to love those who don't get too much love. I remember when you took a slow time in the mile run when you could have easily finished at the front of the pack. Instead, you ran with a girl who struggled to even finish - encouraging her all the way across the finish line. Jesus was a friend to the friendless. He was sympathetic, kind and merciful. Do the same.

Seventh, always show humility. Don't ever believe that your talents, gifts, abilities, successes and achievements come from you. If anyone deserves a pat on the back for those things, it's not you. Don't ever allow yourself to be full of self-centered pride. Do you know those conversations I've had with Josh when we are watching a football game and someone does one of those "Hey aren't I great?!?" dances in the end zone after scoring a touchdown? I'll say the same thing to you that I've told him - "Don't ever do that!" Don't ever be puffed up by a false sense of your own self-importance.

Eighth, live a life marked by self-control. Rein yourself in and don't let the world set the agenda for how you live. The world will tell you how to live out your sexuality. The world will tell you how to view material things. The world will tell you how to treat other people. Sadly, the world will tell you that in these and all other areas you have the freedom to choose and use your own rules. But instead of living a life of excess, imitate Christ and live a life of discipline by striving to please God in these and all other areas.

Ninth, always, always, always respect and obey authority. God is your king. He has established authorities in your life who you are called to respect, honor, and obey as long as they don't require you to do something in opposition to God's will. Yes, I know I've always reminded you that children are to obey their parents! Caitlin, continue to respect, honor, and obey your teachers, your coaches and all others in authority.

Tenth, be a woman marked by sexual purity. I've driven all you kids nuts on this one but for good reason. You get one shot on this one and one shot alone. Sadly, you get that one shot to follow God's will and design for His incredible gift of sexuality in a world that makes a joke out of God's sexual plan. Don't buy the lies that there are no rules. Stand firm on this Caitlin because there will be opportunity for compromise and resulting regret. Decide now to live what you know to be true - trust and believe that God has your best interest in mind and he wants you to experience the joy of sexual fulfillment in the context of your life-long marital commitment to one man. You won't regret it!

Eleventh, maintain a strong sense of modesty. We live in a society that has lost all respect for female modesty. In fact, the world around you will encourage you to "let it all hang out." Caitlin, work to carefully, deliberately, and consciously honor God through what you say, how you act, and what you wear. Remember that in God's eyes - the only eyes you need to please - modesty, chastity, honor and restraint are all virtues.

Finally, never cease being fully dependant on God. Solomon wrote these wise words: "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight." (Proverbs 3:6&7). There's nothing I can add to that.

Caitlin, as you prepare to leave our house, my prayer is that you would continue to be beautiful - not in an outward worldly sense - but in terms of your character. My prayer is that as you grow in age and faith, you would be truly conformed into the image and likeness of Jesus Christ. Then every time I see you I could turn to your mother and say, "Lisa, it's our little girl. And she's beautiful - she looks just like Him."

I love you "12",

Dad

To read more articles like this one click here, or visit CPYU.org

For more information on resources to help you understand today's rapidly changing youth culture, contact the Center for Parent/Youth Understanding.

What is 'success' in parenting teens?

Tue, 06 Oct 2009 07:12:00 GMT

An interview with Dr. Paul Tripp

Editor's note: Dr. Paul Tripp is one of our CPYU heroes. He is a counselor, teacher and writer. CPYU recommends his book Age of Opportunity: A Biblical Guide to Parenting Teens as the best Christian parenting book we've ever seen. Dr. Tripp currently works with the Christian Counseling and Education Foundation in Glenside, PA, and teaches practical theology at Westminster Theological Seminary. This interview with Dr. Tripp is reprinted with permission from the National Journal Committee of the Presbyterian Church of Australia.

What sort of goals should a parent have as their children reach the teenage years?

Unfortunately, western culture has had a terribly cynical view of the teen years. It's a view that is largely biologically based. People tend to see teenagers as a collection of raging, rebel hormones encased in skin. Of course, the idea is that you can't talk to a hormone. I read someone who put it very well. He said that if you add the word "teenage" to any other word, it becomes a negative. Take "teenage driver." That's a simple instance of how this particular age group attracts cynicism.

The problem with this way of looking at teens is that it's a subtle denial of the Gospel. Actually, what we're really saying is that there's a class of people for whom the Gospel won't work. That's a devastating theology. My experience is that when parents buy into that view of the Gospel for their teenagers, it begins to bleed over into other relationships. They begin to have doubts about whether Christ can reach all sorts of people.

That means that simply surviving your teens is not enough of a goal. In a sense, having survival as a goal is selfish because it's focused simply on getting yourself through a difficult time. The other problem with having survival as a goal is that, as parents, we tend to settle for external, behaviorist sorts of goals.

We try to deal with our kids according to the Nike way-"Just do it!" Children who have only had parents who want to regulate and control their behaviour don't have much when they leave the home.

In America, for example, we have had a huge number of kids from Christian homes who go off to college and forsake the faith. Actually, I suspect that they never had it in the first place. In fact, what they had was the faith of their parents. It's just that they never internalized it for themselves. All that the college situation does is reveal the true heart of the teenager that had been masked by parental control and regulations.

Naturally, all parents need to have regulations that control the behavior of their children, but it's not enough of a goal. The sort of rule-keeping that we describe as behaviorism, which is disconnected from the heart, is repudiated throughout the Bible and was the peculiar sin of the Pharisees. Christ roundly condemned it. And yet Christian parents can be very successful at creating a new generation of young Pharisees who live with no sense of need for the Gospel at all, because they're quite good at keeping external rules. That's pretty scary to me.

We need to see that the final years of a child's life at home are a time of unprecedented opportunity. As a child's world unfolds before him and he experiences greater freedom, his heart gets revealed. This means that we have to take every opportunity to be part of the final stage of preparation. Being involved with our teenagers at a deep level is something we mustn't avoid.

What's the real problem that teenagers face? Is it their hormones or is it their hearts?

The world says it's their hormones; but the Bible says, in literally hundreds of ways, that human beings live out of their hearts. We like to think that it's other people and circumstances that cause us to do what we do. However, this little bit of blame-shifting comes straight out of the garden of Eden. The Bible says that our situations and relationships are merely the occasions in which our hearts express themselves. I really live out of my heart. The heart is the directional system for each one of us.

What do you mean when you use the word 'heart?'

The Bible has a very simple anthropology. It says that people consist of two parts: the outer man-which is your earth suit, and the inner man-which is your spiritual self. The Bible uses a number of words-mind, emotion, will, spirit-to describe the heart. In a sense, "the heart" is one, big basket term; it's really biblical shorthand for the inner man and all its functions.

The Bible attributes many important functions to the heart. It tells us that we feel, think, purpose, desire, believe with our hearts. We also receive or reject God's new covenant with them, too. This means that if the heart is the steering wheel of the human being, if it's the thing that causes us to do what we do, then it's quite obvious that the focus of parenting has to be the heart.

Christ, as you know, uses the example of the tree to explain the function of the heart. You look at the tree and its fruit and you say: "That's an apple tree, because it has apples." Now we know that the reason it has apples is because it is apple-istic right down to its roots. If it wasn't an apple tree by nature, it wouldn't produce apples. In Christ's example, the tree equals the heart, and the fruit equals behavior and its consequences.

I often use this example. Imagine that you have an apple tree in the backyard. Now this particular tree produces horrible apples year after year. So I say to my wife, "I think I can fix our apple tree." So I go out with a big ladder and cut off all the old apples. Then I nail delicious red apples all over the tree. I stand back, and from 50 feet it now looks like a good apple tree. But we all know what's going to happen, don't we? Those apples are going to rot, too, because if the tree is consistently producing bad apples, then there's something wrong with the system, right down to its roots. We all realize that we won't solve the problem by nailing apples onto the tree. But this is the problem with much of modern child-rearing, even in Christian circles. A lot of what we call biblical parenting is nothing more than apple-nailing. And what happens is that six weeks later, or perhaps six months or six years, the child or youth is right back to where they were before.

So you're saying that many Christian parents are behaviorists?

Yes, that's right. But the problem is that they don't realize they are. And much of the time it's because they're untaught.

If you go to the average Christian bookstore, unless it carries Shepherding a Child's Heart by Ted Tripp or my book, Age of Opportunity, you won't even hear the word "heart" mentioned in books on parenting. They are all about techniques and strategies for controlling behaviour. They are behaviorist, even though they appear in Christian guise.

The scary thing about these books is that they often have a temporary effectiveness. It's true- I can control a child's behavior through a variety of means. If I lay enough guilt on my child, it will move him. Or if I manipulate him with something he wants-a new car or a new bike-that will be temporarily effective. Or I can threaten him. That may be of limited effectiveness, too. However, the problem is that none of these things last. The minute the threat's gone, the inner man hasn't changed. And the child goes right back to where he was. And that's what's happening all over the place, not just in the culture, but in the church as well.

Why do parents usually find the teenage years of their children the most demanding and threatening of all?

I would like to be able to say, as the father of four children, all of them now grown up (although one is still a teen), that the only time I got angry was when one of them broke God's law. However, what is in fact true, and I think it's true of all of us, is that often I wasn't angry because they had sinned, but because their sin had gotten in the way of something that I wanted. And what often gets in the way of parenting teenagers is the idolatry of their mother and father.

As a father, I, too, live for comfort, appreciation, success, respect and control. Now none of those things, in and of themselves, is wrong. But they must not rule my heart. If they do rule my heart, then in a moment of teen trouble, I will be likely to personalize what is not personal and be adversarial in my approach to you. I'll turn a moment of God-given ministry opportunity into a moment of anger, rather than going after your heart. I'll settle for quick situational solutions because I just want to get in and out of the room and get it over with. At that moment, I will be enraged with you because you have stopped me from realizing what is really important to me.

That's why the key to being used by God with your children is to start with your own heart. Try this as an experiment. Imagine someone shooting a video of every waking moment of your life over the last six weeks. What would it reveal about the things you are serving? What would you say is really important to you?

You hear parents confess their idolatry in roundabout ways all the time: "I do all this for you and this is the thanks I get?" Or a father says "How dare you do this to me!" as if the child has plotted against him. I guess it feels personal to a parent because the child has prevented him from serving the idol that's ruling his life. It can be a huge struggle for the parents at times. But the teenage years are a time of unprecedented opportunity. I've found that the most important thing I can do to help parents is to get them to begin the search for idolatry in their lives. Then, when they find it, to confess it and forsake it.

If parents do not deal with their personal idolatry first, then all the strategies I give you are not going to help. In fact, goal setting won't help either. Why? Because, you always end up serving what rules your heart. It's like the law of gravity: it's always operating. That's why I love reformed theology because it gets to the heart of the problem through its radical view of human nature. Reformed theology declares that worship isn't first an activity for human beings; worship is first an identity. We are worshippers; you can't not worship. We are always in the service of something. And if I'm not serving God in the life of my teenager, then I'm serving other things. It's just an inescapable principle.

What are the most important opportunities in which parents play a strategic role in their teenage children's lives?

Let me begin by saying that I am always struck by how transcultural and transgenerational the Bible really is. We tend to divide human beings into all these subcultures, believing that we are very different from one another. In some ways we might be, but I should add that the Bible is able to cast its net in a way that catches everyone.

This means that the Bible speaks to the typical struggles of young people in every culture. It works in a situation when a son says to his dad, "Father, I need to bed down the camel," and it works when a son says, "Dad, I forgot to put gas in the car." It spans those generations. So it's not hard to look at Scripture and realize that the Bible is right when it defines the typical struggles of a young person. Those struggles are the opportunity for discerning parents.

For instance, the book of Proverbs is very clear in reminding us that teenagers don't usually hunger for wisdom and correction. I've never had one of my kids say to me, "As I was riding the bus home from school I was thinking, 'Dad, you're a really wise man. I'd just love to sit at your feet and drink in some more of your wisdom,' or 'Dad, I realize that when you correct me you are showing me your love. Would you like to correct me some more?' " So what should be my goal here? As a parent I realize that wisdom is crucial to pleasing God, and yet it's not the thing for which my teenager tends to hunger. So now I've got my job description. It's to sell my teenager something that he is not seeking. And so I decide that I'll model being a wise man. I want to show him that wisdom is a beautiful and wonderful thing. And I want to sell wisdom to him so that he becomes a really keen consumer. The point I'm making is that in each area of teenage struggle there's wonderful parental opportunity.

Another characteristic of teenagers is that they tend to be very legalistic. They don't particularly love God's law, they frequently debate the boundaries and they're very boundary oriented. I tell people that if God's law is like a fence, then my kids grew up with fence marks on their faces. As teens they were always pressing against the fence. Now you don't solve the problem of teenage legalism by debating where the boundary is. Why? Because a child who is pressing his face against the fence is believing a very significant lie. The lie is that the good stuff is out there and God is keeping him from it.

What I need to do is turn his body to the inside of the yard and show him the glory of what God has called us to. Can you imagine living in a town where everybody was gentle and kind, no one ever stole, there was no such things as envy, murder or adultery, no one coveted, everyone was always patient? That's God's world! So in each one of those areas of teen struggle there are wonderful opportunities for parents.

You've said that if parents don't regard the teen years as a time of unprecedented opportunity, it's because they've got something wrong with their own hearts. What's the problem with adult hearts when they begin to resent their teenage children?

What happens in the teen years is that a dynamic relational change takes place. When my child is young, he is pretty much a slave to whatever my agenda is. I am totally in control. He goes wherever I tell him; the only friends he has in the house are the ones that I approve. However, the more my teenager's world widens, the less that's true. And what happens is that this adolescent sinner has a remarkable ability to mess up my world.

He can't help himself. Every one of his choices collides with mine. I tell parents it's like this: you can't stand next to a puddle for too long without being splashed by its mud. The fact is that every parent of a teen is dealing with a person who is struggling to come to terms with life. We also must realize that every teenager is a sinner and is trying to learn how to live in God's world, learning what it means to be godly and learning the dangers of sin. There's no possible way that that won't have a huge impact on my life. And that's why people don't like their teenagers.

Teenagers are completely different from the babies that we held in our arms. We loved to hear them coo and they smelt so fresh. It seems so ironic that the tiny person who brought us so much joy is the same young man I now resent. In fact, I'm so mad with him, I don't even want to sit down and have a meal with him. Why? Because he's made my world uncomfortable. That's it. And I don't like my world being turned upside down. I like a world that's predictable and controlled. And I deeply resent the fact that I have lost that level of comfort and control that I previously had.

Actually, what my teenager reveals in me when I get angry and frustrated with him is a depth and consistency of self-love that is one of the horrible effects of sin. Paul reminds us in 2 Corinthians 5:15 that Jesus came that those "who live, should no longer live unto themselves but for him who for their sakes died and was raised." Jesus is saying that selfishness is the endemic result of sin. It makes you totally self-absorbed.

And so what do I want? I want pre-sanctified, self-parenting children. I want children that I can always take to a restaurant without being embarrassed. I want kids who will do their homework without me being on their backs. I want an easy life for myself. And frankly, I never expected that becoming a parent meant that I would have to lay my life down for my kids. But that's exactly what God calls me to do. My redemption cost Christ not only His glory; it also cost Him His life. That's the model.

What sort of attitudes and approach should parents have with the family if they are to be in the right frame of mind to deal with their teens?

First, we need to understand how the modern workplace has devalued the importance of family relationships. This trend began with the modern industrial revolution. Two hundred years ago, when industry was cottage-based, if the family was in crisis the shop shut down to settle the problem because the family ran the business. But if you remove men from the home and relocate the place of work, all of a sudden industry begins to dictate lifestyle. What man today would call his boss and say, "I'm going to be two hours late because I'm sorting out a difficult problem in our home and it needs to be dealt with now." What you do is say to your wife, "I can't talk about that now because I have to be at work."

As work and family life became separate, men began increasingly to define success in terms of their performance on the job rather than on their success in the home. Then along came the further problem of women leaving the home to travel to their work. Now women are also defining their personal success in terms of job performance. Today we are generations down the road from our Christian forbears on thinking about the family. Sadly, we don't think nearly as much of the place of family relationships when we think of the definition of a successful life. But we need to. We must come to a position where we say: "There is nothing that I will ever be that will rival the importance of God's work in the formation of my children's souls." There is nothing more important than that. And that demands some hard choices.

When I go out to speak, I'll make that challenge to men in the congregation. I'll point my finger and say: "There are some of you who are so busy in your careers that you're seldom home, and when you are, you are so physically exhausted that you have nothing to offer your children. There are men here who actually don't even know their own kids. And I want to offer a radical challenge to you. Go to your boss and ask for a demotion. Take less pay. Move out of that dream house and into a smaller one. Sell your brand new car and be willing to drive an older one. And be willing to do what God has called you to do in the life of your children."

What are the most helpful ways to understand teenagers if we are to play a vital role in their spiritual development?

I think the most helpful thing to remember is that your teenager is more like you than unlike you. Unfortunately, we have this view that teenagers are in a separate class as though they're aliens who've dropped from the sky.

One humbling thing that I've realized is that there are few struggles in the life of my teenager that I don't recognize in my own heart as well. For instance, imagine my child has gotten into trouble because he's procrastinated on a school assignment until the night before and he can't possibly get it done. But haven't I done the same? Of course I have. And when I realize that, I don't come to him and say, "How dare you! How could you? In my day I would have never thought of doing this!" Instead, I come as a fellow sinner.

It's at this point that my dealings with him are based on the gospel rather than law. Here's my opportunity to point him to Christ. So I say: "Son, there's a rescue provided for us in the person and work of the Lord Jesus Christ. There's hope for both of us. I need it every bit as much as you do. And I stand with you. However, don't expect me to write a note to the teacher to get you out of the assignment."

So you see, it's a whole different approach. I actually think that the self-righteous-"I'm more righteous than you"-approach closes down teenagers; it doesn't open them up at all. That's why Christian parents shouldn't use it.

Is the wisdom literature of the Bible, especially the Proverbs, helpful in preparing us to meet the challenge of the teenage years? How does it help parents get ready for their responsibilities?

Yes, it's vital for dealing with teens. As I have read the first few chapters of Proverbs it's often hit me that what we have here is a father giving advice to his son. "Son, pay attention to my wisdom." "Son, give heed to my instruction." So I decided that I would keep reading the first eight chapters over and over again. I literally read them hundreds of times. Interestingly, what happened was that a number of themes started rising to the surface-a theme being something that's repeated over and over again.

Now, I know enough as a parent that if I have to repeat something several times to my children, it means I've identified a struggle within them. So the themes that are in Proverbs give us a wonderful picture of what are the typical temptations or struggles of a young person. And they give me a nice template for thinking about the kinds of things I am going to encounter as I go through the teen years with my children.

What should be the basic spiritual goals for parents in dealing with their teens? Should I simply be trying to regulate their behavior? Is that a worthy aim, or should I be trying to achieve a lot more? My problem with a lot of parenting is that it is reactive; it's not goal-driven. Something comes up and I react to it. However, Scripture expects us to move well beyond reactive parenting. It sets us heart goals. And so when I am helping my teens deal with issues of dating, or use of the car, or behavior at school, their individual situation gives me a God-given opportunity to help them advance in one of these areas of heart goals. So, for each of my children, I have tried to look through the individual situation to the goal for their hearts that I'm seeking to achieve.

One of these goals is to teach my child to understand and participate in the spiritual struggle. The Bible tells us that the most important things to happen in life are unseen. It also tells us that there's a real enemy who wants control of my heart. And that war goes on in every situation of life. I want my teenager to get beyond clothes and sports and see the significance of sin and temptation which is there in every situation of life.

The issue of what rules the heart involves the issue of idolatry. Teenagers need to be challenged about what is governing them. Here are three idols of the teen years: appearance, possessions and acceptance. And so I want to take them to the level of the heart so that they can understand what is really going on in their lives.

Why is it that Christian parents are often frustrated in their efforts to cultivate a heart for God in their teenagers?

Because it's the hardest work a human being could ever do. We have to get to the point where we realize that there is no hope apart from Christ. If I could turn the human heart by the force of my voice, or the strength of my personality, or the logic of my argument, or the wisdom of my parenting strategies, then Jesus would never have needed to come. So, as a parent, I've hit something that I can't do by myself. And it makes me angry. It frustrates me. It discourages me. You see, what I want is some "instant fix." Give me the three steps to producing godliness in kids. The Bible doesn't do that. It doesn't give us a system of redemption; it gives us a Redeemer. And here's the really scary news. No matter how righteously I act with my teenager, he must deal with God or there won't be any hope for him. And I can't do that. So what I do, in my frustration, is try to do God's job on my kids.

Many teens leave home because their relationship with their parents is so bad. What can parents do that will ensure that when they leave home they'll be grateful for the life preparation that they've received?

Parents should remember that the best climate for a relationship is a climate of honesty and humility. I have watched restoration take place when parents are willing to begin to be honest about their own struggle. One of the things that drives teenagers crazy is parents who are all talk but no action. They hold up standards but never keep them themselves. I mean, how can you talk about grace but be bitter and angry? After a while, the child just can't wait for that first moment to make his exit.

One of the ways I preach the Gospel is declaring my own need for it. And that can be done casually. I was talking to my 17-year-old son recently. I felt I'd been impatient with him. And I said: "It's not going to be any surprise to you that I'm going to say I'm a sinner." Well, he laughed at that, because I also said: "You have a robust experience of the same." Then I said, "You know there are times when I think of myself more than you, and last night was one of those times." And he said, "I do the same thing with you Dad, and I forgive you." After that exchange there was a warmth between us. However, there would have been a very different outcome if I had said: "You know, you really ought to be glad that you have a dad like me. I'm always going out of my way for you. Why do you mess up all the time after all I've done for you?" You see, it would've been a whole different ball game.

The point is this: if I'm willing to admit my need of Christ, then I come before my child with the evidence of what he also should do. He has not only seen his need, but he has seen the changes Christ is able to do in me. I'm preaching the gospel just by living my life. I think that's a very powerful thing. And I think it's an opportunity that we miss, because we believe that if we admit sin, then we compromise our authority. My authority is representative anyway, it's not based on my righteousness, it's based on Christ. And I think that's the way that I can be an instrument in Christ's hands.

To read more articles like this one, click here or visit CPYU.org

For more information on resources to help you understand today's rapidly changing youth culture, contact the Center for Parent/Youth Understanding.

THE MILLENNIAL MORAL MESS

Tue, 29 Sep 2009 03:37:00 GMT

by Walt Mueller

I didn't know her. I didn't know her parents. I had never seen any of them before. But for THE few minutes our paths crossed in the small foyer of a local indoor soccer facility, I witnessed a lesson passed from one generation to the next through the power of parental example.

Dad and Mom were openly discussing the need to register their daughter (she appeared to be about ten-years-old) for the next soccer session. With money tight and the registration deadline at hand, Dad verbalized his elaborate scheme to deliberately submit the registration form without the necessary payment. A couple of "little" lies and a story about "forgetting" to write a check would give them the extra week to adjust the family budget and get the money together. Mom responded with a big smile and nod of approval. Their impressionable young daughter soaked it all in. Sadly, in their minds, they had done nothing wrong. Even worse, it appeared they thought they were doing the right thing.

Since then, I've pondered how those parents, and others like them, might defend their course of action. Their justification would most likely include a statement I've heard on more than one occasion: "What's the big deal? It's not hurting anybody." I've got to disagree. Maybe that little girl didn't walk out of there with a visible cut or throbbing bruise, but the lie did leave a permanent mark on her heart and mind. And if mom and dad are consistent at passing on these morally relativistic lessons, the sum total of that education will leave a scar that sets a course for a lifetime of decisions motivated by feelings and expediency, rather than right and wrong.

That youngster is part of the second baby-boom (born between 1977 and 1994), a "millennial" generation so large they are only exceeded in number by boomers themselves. While it's still too early to draw final conclusions on who and what Millennials will grow up to be and believe, they're growing commitment to personally defined standards of morality offers a discouraging peek into a future where commonly-held standards of right and wrong are replaced by personal preference and choice. Already, we see the results as over 75% of the population believes that absolute truth cannot be known. Over 61% believe that sex before marriage is "ok" if both people are "emotionally ready." And 57% believe that lying is "sometimes necessary."

A few years ago I had an opportunity to spend a weekend with a couple hundred millennial kids. They had come to a gathering of church youth groups where I was the featured speaker. The organizers planned a special segment before each of my talks. They had secured spiritually mature student volunteers to give a short reflection and challenge related to my topic. As the weekend unfolded, I was impressed with the insights and wisdom shared by these students... until Saturday night arrived.

I was scheduled to speak about Biblical standards of right and wrong as they relate to God's wonderful gift of sexuality. The time came for the student reflection. Up to the microphone stepped an attractive young high school sophomore. She began her remarks by relating the struggle she and her boyfriend of recent months had encountered as they dealt firsthand with the desire to engage in sexual intercourse. Her faith in God was put to the test. Eventually, she told us, they went ahead and had sex. Feeling guilty, they decided to study what God had to say about their behavior. They soon swept their guilt under the rug as they found justification for their continued sexual encounters. "We've talked about it, prayed about it, and looked at the Bible," she said. Then she ended her remarks with these words: "We've concluded that God wants nothing more than for us to feel good and be happy. As a result, we're still having sex."

I sat in my seat stunned. I'd heard all this from kids before... but never in this context. Perhaps more surprising and revealing was the response of her peers. They applauded in a manner that was more approving than polite. I watched in silence as the young student walked to her seat with a smile on her face. Needless to say, as I walked to the front of the room, I knew I had my work cut out for me.

That young girl was speaking for a youth culture (churched and unchurched) whose behavior, sexual and otherwise, should be viewed as an expected and faithful expression of a world view shaped by years of living around consistent moral inconsistency that is hurting them. Today=s popular music reflects this moral heartbeat of the millennial kids. Currently on the record charts, the band Creed, in their song "In America", ask: "What is right or wrong/I don=t know who to believe in/My soul sings a different song in America." Sheryl Crow shares her observations in her hit song "Everyday is a Winding Road": "Everybody gets high, everybody gets low. . . . these are the days when anything goes."

Yes, we've all got our work cut out for us. Where, though, do we begin? Can we really make a difference? Is there a way to undo this moral mess as we enter the new millennium?

I recently read about a busy dad who came home from a week-long business trip. He went to his favorite chair to catch up on a stack of accumulated newspapers. Happy that dad was home, his little boy begged his tired father to go out and play catch. The weary father explained to his disappointed son that he had to read the newspapers. It wasn't long before the little guy came back to beg his dad for some attention again. The frustrated father grabbed a page of the newspaper that was covered with a world map and ripped it into several dozen pieces. Then he handed the pieces to his son in an effort to get him out of his hair. "Here," said the dad. "Go out to the kitchen table and see if you can put this map together." After just a couple of minutes the boy came back and reported that the map was together. In disbelief, the father went out and looked on the table. Sure enough, there sat the completed map of the world. "How'd you do this?" the surprised father asked. "It was easy," said his little son. "There was a boy's picture on the other side of the map and I just put it together."

It's overwhelming to look around at a big world marked by increased and serious moral confusion. Where do we begin to undo the world's wrong with a clear sense of Gods' right? The answer was laying on that kitchen table. Concentrate on investing energy and example in putting children together right - one at a time - and the world will take care of itself. The best place to start is right at home . . . or in the foyer at soccer sign-ups.

To read more articles like this one visit CPYU.org

For more information on resources to help you understand today=s rapidly changing youth culture, contact the Center for Parent/Youth Understanding.

81999, The Center for Parent/Youth Understanding

Communicating with your teens

Tue, 22 Sep 2009 08:25:00 GMT

-Paul Robertson

Newborn babies have the ability to make adults act odd. As the father of four boys, I must admit that some of the strangest things I ever did were during their infancy. As soon as we brought each one home I became a different person, forfeiting all dignity in an effort to get them to respond to my words and expressions. I cooed, clacked, clicked, flapped my tongue, raised my eyebrows, flashed a colossal smile, played peek-a-boo, made all kinds of funny noises, and contorted my face-all in the hope of getting a reaction out of my newborn offspring. And when they would respond, I was delighted!

If your little babies have grown up like mine, they're no longer impressed with cooing and clucking. In fact, they'd be repulsed and embarrassed by it. But they still need to communicate with you. The problem is that as our kids grow through adolescence on the road to independent adulthood, it's sometimes harder and harder for us to communicate clearly and effectively. But good communication is one of the most necessary and precious elements in a healthy parent/teen relationship.

Unfortunately, it's easy to fall into the mistake of counterproductive communication patterns. When it comes to conversing with kids, many parents spend their time in what I call the "informational nagging mode." We give orders and nothing more - pick up," "brush," "clean," "empty," etc. Maybe things get done around the house (or maybe not!), but this approach doesn't do anything to draw us closer to our kids. Rather, it creates a climate for our kids to respond in bitterness and an unwillingness to open up. Other parents never seem to get out of the "complaint mode - why can't you," "surely you realize," " how many times do I have to tell you," "when are you going to," "did you," "will you," "are you," "aren't you," etc. Nothing about these types of talking does anything to nurture intimacy, and yet we spend so much time in these "modes."

How can we get beyond this unhealthy level of communication? And how can we get to the point of deep dialogue and significant heart-to-heart conversations with our kids? Let me suggest some practical strategies parents have found to be helpful in deepening their communication and relationships with their kids. These strategies certainly aren't an exhaustive cure-all, but they're a great place to start, especially when we're in the midst of a parent/teen conflict.

First, remember that timing is everything. If your kids are like mine, the mornings aren't the time to tackle serious issues. Our children, like us, have various mood shifts. They are more responsive at certain times of the day. Our job as parents is to recognize the best time to have heart-to-heart conversations with our kids.

Second, learn to talk and listen with your eyes. Someone once said the eyes are the windows to the soul. When you are talking to your children, look them in the eye and let them know they've got your undivided attention. This is especially important when dealing with matters of conflict and authority. By looking them in the eyes when dealing with difficult issues, we let them know we care about them and what they're saying.

Third, watch your body language. Rolling eyes, tilting heads, licking lips, tapping fingers and challenging glares all speak louder than words. We send strong signals without saying a word. Does your body language communicate that your ears are open and ready to hear what they have to say? Does your body language say you're engaged with them in caring conversation?

Fourth, seek first to understand and then to be understood. Years ago my oldest son came home several hours past curfew. He had assured us he would be home by 11 and we thought this was reasonable given he was with our youth pastor. Upon arriving home shortly before 2 a.m., I chose to listen before I went into the attack mode. Following the football game, he had a chance to meet the quarterback who was a friend of our pastor. He also spent some time in the locker room and later went out to eat with several other Christian players from the team. He was having the time of his life with his football heroes. Who would ever think of calling home when you're having this much fun? It would have been easy that night to yell, ground him for life, and in the process rob him of a very rich and meaningful moment in his life. I'm glad we took time to listen and understand before we spoke. It provided us the chance to share how we were feeling and why we were so concerned for his well being. Seeking first to understand can save a lot of pain as we learn facts that are important for creating a proper and appropriate response.

Fifth, allow the appropriate expression of anger. We need to teach our children it's okay to properly express their anger. Anger is a natural response and too often parents equate it with rebellion. Our role is to coach them on how to deal with anger in a proper manner. Our example is most important. Slamming doors, kicking walls, punching siblings, swearing and screaming are improper and wrong expressions of anger.

Sixth, learn the art of self-control. There is an old Chinese proverb that says "Whoever argues the loudest has the weakest argument." I think this is often true in family disagreements. The Bible says "a gentle answer turns away wrath," but how often do we employ that truth in the heat of the moment? As parents, we need to be careful that we don't say things we will later regret. Sticks and stones do break bones and words can wound forever. We need to set the standard for self-control. How else will our children learn?

Seventh, be willing to be disliked. There will always be times when our kids won't like what we have to say or do. If they don't verbalize it outwardly, they will certainly make you feel it. Being your child's best friend isn't your primary role as a parent. You are called to guide and instruct, and where necessary to discipline and make difficult decisions. I have on more than one occasion had to tell my boys that I don't care if they are angry with me. In fact, I usually tell them that if my dad did to me what I just did to them, I would be upset, too. However, I always explain to them that some day I will have to stand before God and give an account as to how I raised them and that I feared that meeting more than I feared their anger. Too many parents today are backing away from their responsibilities because they fear their children. We need to do what is right and deal with the results when they come.

And eighth, don't give up. We should never stop talking to our children. We should never give up because of the stress they cause us or because we aren't getting any positive feedback. We need to assure our children that nothing they can do will keep us from loving them and wanting to talk to them.

Eugene Peterson in his book Like Dew Your Youth says just as babies are God's gift to young couples, so too are adolescents His gift to middle-aged people like myself. When I think back to those days when my boys were just babes and all the energy I put into communicating and building a loving relationship with them, why would I want to do anything less now that they have entered into the teen years? Good communication requires hard work from all parties involved. However, as parents, we are called to lead the way.

Discussion starters to use with your kids

Take turns completing the sentences and answering the questions.

In 10 years I want to be ...
My favorite toy when I was younger was ...
My favorite room in the house is ...
If you could relive one day of your life, which day would it be?
If you could take one family photo to show to someone 100 years from now, what would our family be doing in the photo?
What's one family tradition you never want to give up? Why?
What's one family tradition you could live without? Why?
What's been the most exciting thing about being a part of our family the past few years? Why?
What's been the hardest thing about being a part of our family the past few years? Why?
What's one hardship we've had that has strengthened our family?
What makes our family so great?
What's the best thing about being together right now?
What's the most difficult thing about being together right now?
What would you change about our family? Why?
What do you need from each member of the family? (Money doesn't count!)
My hope and dream for our family is ... Why?

For more information on resources to help you understand today's rapidly changing youth culture, contact the Center for Parent/Youth Understanding.

To read more articles like this one click here or visit CPYU.org

Helping teens make healthy decisions

Tue, 15 Sep 2009 04:38:00 GMT

-Paul Robertson

North America is a pretty decent place to live. Materially speaking, there's little we do without. At first glance, most children enjoy prosperity, opportunity and better health than any generation before. Plus, they have more disposable income than ever before.

But there's a growing unease that grips many adults when they look at today's youth culture. Many sense something is going very wrong in the way we raise our children. The recent rash of school shootings haunts us. Drug use is still high. Kids are depressed, pressured and pushed. Parents are nervous, as more and more kids seem to be making unhealthy decisions.

A recent article in USA Today confirmed these parental concerns. Entitled "A Culture Purposefully Damaging," the article quoted the latest data on parenting from a poll of parents and professional experts from across the country.

Consider these findings from that poll:

About nine in10 parents said it's harder to raise kids to be "good people" than it was 20 years ago.
Two out of three say parents are doing a worse job.
76 percent say TV, movies and pop music are negative influences on kids.
While 75 percent of parents say they've taken steps to shield their children from outside "undesirable" influences, 73 percent concede kids cannot be shielded from the pervasive influence of our culture.
Over 50 percent of those polled agree with this statement: "There are so many bad influences out there that even for parents who do a good job, there is a good chance their children will get into serious trouble."
Six of 10 say the "lack of a close-knit neighborhood or community" is a problem.

It's gotten harder for all kids. While things may look okay on the surface, they're faced with a growing number of choices in an environment where parental input and guidance seem to be on the decline.

Not along ago I met with a good friend who lamented that he had no idea what he was going to do with his 16-year-old son. Things had gone from bad to worse. Dedicated Christians, he and his wife have done everything they can to help him make the right choices, but their son was still struggling. Fearing his son was involved in the drug culture, the father secretly wire-tapped the family phone. As the parents feared, they learned their only son was very involved in the buying and selling of illegal drugs at his private school. When confronted, the son didn't deny his involvement. His attitude that "everyeone's doing it" alarmed his parents, but it's typical of the morally relativistic response often heard in today's culture. My friends can't figure out how their boy, brought up in a loving Christian home, could make such terrible choices for his life.

Making bad choices seems to come naturally for many. In his book "Right From Wrong," Josh McDowell offers evidence of the many wrong choices Christian kids are making. McDowell found that Christian kids admitted to participating in the following behaviors during the prior three months: 66 percent had lied to an adult; 36 percent had cheated on an exam; 27 percent had sexual intercourse; 23 percent had smoked a cigarette; 20 percent tried to physically hurt someone; 12 percent got drunk; and 8 percent had used an illegal drug. And the gap between the choices Christian and non-Christian kids are making is shrinking.

Parenting today may be tougher than a generation ago, but that's no reason to give up hope. Yes, there are many influences in the lives of our kids. But parents still play the major role in raising kids. With that in mind, what are some of the steps we can take to guide our teens into making healthy decisions? Here are a few I've found helpful:

First, we must ask ourselves, "What do I believe?" We need to consistently live the standards we hope to pass on to our kids. We have to live out what we want our kids to become because they usually grow up to live out who we are. In one survey, 94 percent of the kids interviewed said their parents are "very important" role models.

Second, we need to teach our kids to think through all the facts before making a decision. This applies to all decisions- both large and small. We need to help our kids learn to think about what God has to say about every decision they face. Our role is to show our children what Scripture has to say about matters of honesty, integrity, character, work ethic, sexual behavior, substance abuse, vocation, athletics, time, dating, authority, etc. Making a decision based solely on how something "feels" is a dangerous way to live.

Third, we need to challenge our teens to set and manage healthy patterns of thinking by asking them "why" they do what they do. As our children move into the early teen years, they become intellectually capable of wrestling with various options. Our goal is to get them to think for themselves in healthy ways. Chuck Swindoll says, "Training should prepare the child to think for himself. Overprotective parents, as well as easily threatened parents, are weak here. Insecure moms and dads have great difficulty inculcating solid, biblical principles in their children, apart from a long list of do's and don'ts."

And fourth, we need to help our kids think through the consequences of their decisions by asking them to consider the long- and short-term implications. Our children need to understand the positive and negative consequences of the choices they make. We need to help them think through the implications of keeping their word, drinking and driving, sexual activity, honesty, cheating, and the commitment to hard work. Sharing the consequences of decisions you've made in your life can go a long way in cementing these lessons into your child's head and heart.

Every parent must remember that kids who grow up in today's youth culture face lots of confusing choices. It's a tough world out there. They need your guidance and help. Will you give it to them?

For more information on resources to help you understand today's rapidly changing youth culture, contact the Center for Parent/Youth Understanding.

How to get more than a grunt

Tue, 08 Sep 2009 04:34:00 GMT

By Paul Robertson

My mother still talks about how quiet I was as a teenager. For some reason, this has always puzzled me. When I think back to the glorious days of my adolescence, I remember spending hour after hour on the phone talking with my friends. In fact, I wore out one of the phone cords stretching it around a corner into the utility room just to get some privacy from my nosy parents.

I guess what my mom remembers is that I didn't seem to spend much time talking to her and dad. Speaking with them never seemed to be that easy or interesting. In a lot of ways it just never seemed "natural." Having raised four boys, they sure seem a lot like their father. We love them dearly and they are great guys, but their conversations with their friends are a lot more animated than any chats they have with us.

Bill Beausay, in his book Teenage Boys, poses an interesting question for us parents to think about: "If we could ask our boys (and I assume girls) to talk about talking, what would they tell us?" Beausay offers four answers: First, talking is hard work for our kids. They're not all that comfortable doing it and often won't risk it if they don't have to. Second, teens feel parents sometimes mistake them for someone who shares their interests and concerns about life. Third, kids feel less pressure with adults who aren't their parents. (Doesn't that one drive you crazy?) And finally, teens are willing to talk when they are ready - not when parents decide they should.

Although communicating with our teens has some built-in obstacles, there are some key things we can do to facilitate the process. One of them is to develop the ability to ask good questions. Good questions are those that enable our children to converse more easily. Communication research shows that 55 percent of any message is physiological (how you sit, look, gesture), 38 percent is tonal (how you sound) and only 7 percent is actually the words you use. That means that approximately 93 percent of what you convey has nothing to do with what you say. Therefore, a few well-chosen words in the form of a great question could open a gateway to their hearts.

Here are some suggestions on how to make your questions "good" questions:

First, avoid questions that only require one-word answers. For example, we often ask, "How was your day?" Answer, "fine." We might open up further conversation if we were to ask "Tell me the best thing that happened at school today." We need to learn to formulate some basic questions that invite our kids to respond more fully ... providing they feel like it.

Second, avoid whenever possible, questions that tend to put our kids on the defensive. This usually includes the dreaded and often used "why" question. "Why" questions usually imply faultfinding and lack of trust. I have found that a statement beginning with the words "help me to understand" gets to the heart of the matter while not sounding as threatening. For example, "Can you help me to understand how it is that you were going to be in at 11:00 p.m. and it's now after midnight?" A question like this tells my child that I am seeking first to understand. Often times we will glean new information before letting our children know how we feel about the situation. This type of statement is very helpful during times of conflict.

Third, in order to prime the conversation pump, make it a habit to ask questions about things of interest to them. This can include their favorite sports, high school activities, and music and media. We need to learn to engage our kids on issues other than those we have on our agenda. It speaks volumes about our interest in them and what they are dealing with.

Fourth, since most of the results are going to depend on what we don't say, let us be very aware of how we are asking our questions. Our body posture and tone of voice always reveal to our young people what we are "really" asking. Making good eye contact and speaking gently can reap great answer rewards. How far we stand away from our child also tells them something about the importance of the question we are asking.

Fifth, after asking a great question, give them time to answer. Often parents get less than satisfactory answers because we are too ready to cut them off and jump in with another question or an already prepared response. Our kids will soon learn whether we are ready to listen or whether we carry a hidden agenda. Teach your kids that their answers are always fully welcome.

Sixth, learn how to reflect their feelings. One of the skills all great listeners have is the ability to put themselves in the other person's shoes. We need to empathize with them by trying harder to understand their thoughts and feelings. As parents, we can do this by trying to mirror their feelings by repeating them. Let's imagine your child comes home from school and is really upset with her math teacher. You might say, "It sounds like you are really angry with your teacher." Restating what your child has said often opens the door for them to talk further. It also lets them know you are trying to comprehend what they are feeling.

Finally, clarify nebulous words, thoughts and feelings by asking additional questions. For example, "What did you mean when you said I have been 'unfair to you'?" or "What do you mean when you said your friend has been acting 'crazy'?"

Again, these simple questions can lead you into a deeper understanding and sense of what your child is experiencing.

Someone once said the only thing you have to do to entertain some people is to listen to them. Most kids are yearning for parents who will pay attention to them. I really believe our kids want to talk; it's just a matter of how we go about it. Smart parents start when their kids are young and keep working at it during adolescence - that time when young people are distancing themselves from their parents but still longing to have connections. When talking with your kids, don't assume you know and understand their feelings and issues. Their world is very different from the one we grew up in. They are happy to share it with us if we approach it with the right questions and an even better attitude.

For more information on resources to help you understand today's rapidly changing youth culture, contact the Center for Parent/Youth Understanding.

To read more articles like this click here, or visit CPYU.org

The Importance of a Father in the Home

Mon, 24 Aug 2009 04:47:00 GMT

Note: The following paper was written in the spring of 2004, by 11th grader Amanda Lynn Geesey

The Importance of a Father in the Home

By: Amanda Lynn Geesey

Lord, the pain is too much to bear! I can't take this anymore; I have to get out. I tried to get his attention once before with the anorexia but he did not care then, so why would he care if I was alive or dead. Well, at least the pain will be gone. My heart hurts, there is no one to care, no one to love me. He left without a word, without a tear. He did not call on my birthday. He even misspelled my name on the first Christmas present he ever sent, and there was only one of those. His checks are supposed to buy his love, yet he never even sends them! He probably does not even remember my name, I know he does not know my hair color, eye color, whether or not I am tall or short, fat or skinny. God, I just pray I don't look or act anything like him.

People don't get it! They just make things worse! They criticize me and say "I am not right with God," because I miss my dad, yet in the same sense I hate him. Their lives are not perfect so why do they pick on me? I did not choose my life, but I can choose to end it. They say let God be my "Dad" well, I would like to see them try it. God cannot reach down and give me the hug I so desperately need and tell me that I am loved. My dad never told me that; he never said I was pretty or smart. He always wants to blame me for any "bad" thing that happens in his life though. Daddy never told me my body is mine and that no one should ever touch it in an abusive way. He never said that it is not okay even for a "Dad figure" to do that to his "daughter". When I try to reach out all I receive is rejection, so let's get it over with! I don't care about them or my dad, I hate him! Where is God now? Even God has rejected me and forgotten even about my existence. That's okay because the pain will be gone by tomorrow. How many should I take of these little guys? 10? 20? No, that is still not enough, okay, and 51,52,53,54,55 that should do it! Wow, I am starting to feel a little funny, "goodnight mom". The pain you never saw in me will be gone tomorrow.

Well, maybe the story above is just that to you- a story. Boys and girls around the country today are feeling and thinking exactly like that even right this very moment. The ones that it can hit the hardest are the ones like the girl in this story who did not have a father. Some children turn to suicide, some turn to drugs, alcohol, sex, robbery and maybe even some to murder. They try all these things to get rid of the pain, the pain of not having a father around who loves them and provides for them. The father is important in the growth and development of his children in many ways. He gives them their definition of normal; he affects each child's life in a different but equally important way. The father can affect his children in two different ways either negatively as in the story above or positively. He affects his children's development in three main ways: Spiritually, Physically and Emotionally. It is therefore vitally important for the father to realize how important it is for him to be in the home

God created man to be the leader of the home, the provider and the protector. In Scripture God commands a man to be "sober minded, grave, temperate, sound in faith, in charity, in patience." (Titus 2:2) The father is also commanded by God to love his wife, as God loves the church and gave himself for it. (Eph. 5:25-30) In I Peter 3:7, it says "Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to the knowledge, giving honor unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and being heirs together of the grace of life; that our prayers be not hindered." The children are to look to their father especially for spiritual counsel and guidance. They receive this by watching their father's life as much as they do by talking to him. Many children will follow in the footsteps of their fathers when it comes to a belief in God or not. God put the father in the position as leader in the home, but the father is also a picture of God Himself. Gordon Dalbey in his book Father and Son: The Wound, the Healing, the Call to Manhood, states, "If I ask a man, how is your relationship with God? All too often, he replies God's out there with other people but he is not here with me. When I ask, how close was your father to you, in nearly ever case I hear stories of how Dad was never there for me." Charles Stanley one of todays most noted preachers; was affected by his father even though his father died when he was young. He was a workaholic for many years of his ministry. He actually worked so much that he worked himself sick; now he was out of commission and awaiting surgery. He says that when he was in the hospital God showed him that all these years he felt like he had to earn God's acceptance and love yet that is how he felt about his father before he died. Many teachers, preachers and councilors have said that the way a man or woman looks at God is a reflection on how they viewed their father. If they saw their father as an abusive, slandering person, then that is how they see God - always bringing down the hammer and pushing His way on them. If they saw their father as a loving father who never punished them, then, they will see God that way also. If they saw their father as someone who never paid any attention to them and did not care if they lived or died, that is exactly how they will see God. The impact the father has on his son or daughter's spiritual life is very evident and it must be treated with honor. Jesus stated in Matthew 18:6, "But whosoever shall offend one of these little ones which believe in me, it was better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and that he were drowned in the depth of the sea."

The second way the father affects his children is physically. Yes, he helped create them when his sperm combined with the mother's egg and the baby was formed in the mother's womb, but the affect the father has on his children goes far beyond that. It goes to the way they act and think. It is a little different here for boys and girls. For boys the father's physical presence in the home is needed to teach the boy to be a man, to teach him how to play ball, to stand up for himself and what he believes in. He also teaches his son as he gets older how to treat a woman. Usually this is done not by words but by seeing how their father treats their mother. Dr. Schaller says that "Children often tend to imitate the same behavior as their fathers." This will affect the way they talk to a woman, look at a woman and treat her. The father is also to teach their sons what to do with sexual thoughts that creep up especially as the boy reaches his teenage years. If these boys are not taught what to do with these thoughts, then they will eventually become desires that are too strong to run from.

Girls are a little different when it comes to the physical needs that they have, their problem is the hardest to define and cure. When a baby girl is born, she is very aware of her femininity. This may changed though because of her father's attention or lack thereof. If the father is degrading to the mother and always putting her down, then the girl is going to regret being a girl and going to reject her femininity. She may do this by being a tomboy or by flaunting her body to get male attention. Wright says it this way "Fatherless girls usually are seductive and show tension. They are very assertive, usually in inappropriate ways. They crave a male's attention and they talk to them, and hang around them more." An abusive father teaches her that she is a play toy and that she deserves to be beaten and sexually assaulted. God has created women with a need to be loved by a man that only God totally understands, and it is very important that she gets that attention in the proper way from her father instead of from some other person who will probably take advantage of her. She needs to be touched, hugged, petted and cared for in a godly way by her father! A father also affects the way his girl thinks of her body, whether she thinks she is the hottest thing from here to kingdom come, or the ugly duckling. For this reason alone many girls struggle with eating disorders and other such problems. The girls are likely to suffer many other physical problems, which stem from the lack of emotional support and love from their fathers. Some of these problems include such things as TMJ, sleeping disorders, tension, and migraine headaches.

The last major way that the father affects his children is emotionally. Schaller says, "Some fathers deplete rather than give. A father who beats, molest, verbally degrades, disrupts the stability of the home by his alcohol, gambling, drugs, or moodiness is an anti- father. He sucks the life from the veins of his family; he functions as an emotional black hole. He steals the carefree laughter of childhood. Such a father produces a large amount of psychic orphanhood in his children facing them to function as emotional orphans even though both parents are still alive." Many of the things that a boy faces, a girl will face too, but it may have a different twist to it.

The boys who do not receive a lot of emotional support tend to be very controlling and have a lack of trust. They feel like they must be better then everyone else at everything they do. A lot of time it comes from the pushiness of the father to do well at something. When they fail at something, they are degraded and put down; they carry that even into adulthood. A father teaches a boy how to be a man, yet the boy also needs some love and affection. Most often a man who grew up in an abusive home becomes as anti-male as any woman's activist group. Most of the women in the anti-male activist group are fathered similarly. Therefore this makes a man think too much on his femininity and sometimes-even leads to men being gay. Schaller reports in his book that "fathers of homosexual sons are reported to be less affectionate than fathers of heterosexual sons." A father affects his son in many ways emotionally whether it is by encouraging him or belittling him.

The same thing goes for a girl except usually she is not pushed in the same ways. The girl will usually be discouraged about her physical appearance. Wright states in his book Always Daddy's Little Girl that "when a father exists in his daughter's life for some reason, he vacates one of the most significant roles he should play in her life: the development of her autonomy and independence." He helps her be free from depending on her mother for her every need! He teaches her about her body, that it is okay to mature and become a woman! He can give her emotionally reassurance by telling her that she is pretty, that he likes her outfit, or that she looks really good in something. All these things give the daughter a feeling of worthiness and love. It teaches her that she deserves respect and that she is not a play toy but a person.

Children always live with the feelings of hurt and anger or of pride and joy. Both boys and girls will struggle with trust, if their father is not active in the home. The daughters' struggle will be more apparent especially when it comes to dating. Many girls from divorce homes have a really hard time trusting men. When they begin dating, it makes them question every comment and action. It makes it extremely hard on the young man who is dating her to really get to know her because she feels that he is only going to reject and abandon her like her father did. When they finally open up to a guy and get married, they go in with unrealistic expectations of their husband. They are usually looking for their husband to be more of a father figure then anything else. Many girls will refuse to get married and will live the rest of their life in fear of rejection from a man. She also does not know how to respond to a man's touch. It will feel so good yet freak her out; sometimes this can even cause a marriage to end in divorce. Girls, who have inactive fathers in their lives, struggle with feelings of abandonment, doubt of self worth, feelings of being a failure. They try to keep their family together to the point that it tears the family apart. They hold onto friends and use them to supply their physical and emotional needs.

Both the son and daughter will learn from their father characteristics that they will take with them for the rest of their life. Both children will struggle with feelings of anger, trust, and the fear of being intament with anyone. These feelings bring about a lot of other emotional and physical problems such as: depression, suicidal thoughts, addictions, suspicion, passive/aggressive personalities, anxiety/ panic attacks, low self esteem, phobia, sexual dysfunctions, extreme dependency, inability to play or have fun, people pleasing, inability to be assertive, approval seeking, and identity confusion. Many children, girls especially, will be very withdrawn because they are scared of having close friends and being intament with anyone. Their view of God, and even of sexual things, is very distorted. Fathers supply more needs then they will ever be able to know just by being there, caring, loving and being supportive of their children. They teach their girls who they are, can and are becoming, how to get where they want to go and what treatment to demand along the way. They teach their sons how to feel, think and act towards a woman, how to be a man, and how to serve God. A child's feelings of inadequateness can hinder his social and spiritual life and these feelings usually come from a way a father responds emotionally to the needs of his children.

Fathers supply many needs for their children, and their presence as well as their support is needed in the home. Not only is it important for a father to be in the home but also to be an active part in his children's life. You see, I can tell you from experience that when the father is not present and active in the home, the child suffers. The story above is not made up; it is true. You see that girl's name is Amanda, that girl is me I am now seventeen years old and go to West Chester Christian School. Until recently this is exactly how I felt. I still struggle with feelings of abandonment, hurt and distrust of men. God has proven Himself faithful though and has showed me that He is loving, forgiving, caring and that not only am I in the palm of His hand but my name is willingly engraved on the palm of His hand that I will never be forgotten. There is hope for these kids, but the fathers of this generation need to realize that they are important and that they can make a big difference in their kids' lives, whether they live or die, and how they go about doing so. The church also needs to see this need and reach out to the fatherless and love them. Make them feel loved; give them the human support they need so that they can be pointed to God. Many times it takes someone who is willing to sacrifice a little to help these children be able to see God and make Him their father. God uses people to show his love, are you? Matthew 18:6- "But whosoever shall offend one of these little ones which believe in me, it were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and that he were drowned in the depth of the sea." These children are important to God, so fathers, now is the time to step up to the plate and show your kids Christ!

Works Cited page

Dalbey, Gordon. Father and Son The Wound, The Healing, The Call to Manhood. Nashville: Thomas Nelson, 1992.

Schaller, James L. The Search for Lost Fathering. Grand Rapids: Revell, 1995.

Wright, Norman H. Always Daddy's Girl. Ventura: Division of Gospel Light, 2001

Bibliography

Canfield, Ken R. The 7 Secrets of Effective Fathers: Wheaton, Tyndale House, 1992.

Dalbey, Gordon. Father and Son The Wound, The Healing, The Call to Manhood. Nashville: Thomas Nelson, 1992.

Dobson, James. Parenting Isn't For Cowards. Waco: Word Books, 1987.

Kagler, Len. On Being a Good Dad. Tarrytown: Revell, 1992.

Rice, John. God in your Family. Murfreeseboro: Sword of the Lord, 1971.

Schaller, James L. The Search for Lost Fathering. Grand Rapids: Revell, 1995.

Swindoll, Charles R. Growing Wise in Family Life. Portland: Multnomah Press, 1988.

Wright, Norman H. Always Daddy's Girl. Ventura: Division of Gospel Light, 2001.

For more information on resources to help you understand today's rapidly changing youth culture, contact the Center for Parent/Youth Understanding.

©2004, The Center for Parent/Youth Understanding

To read more articles like this one please click here or visit CPYU.org