Wrestling with God

Rena Mobley knew everything would be alright when her husband – the love of her life – went in for surgery to remove a tumor from his brain. In that moment, she had no idea that what started as the love of a lifetime would turn into a test, and a proving ground for her faith.

Rena and her husband had been married for four years and they were madly in love. They  were both followers of Jesus. “We had a beautiful home, a dream life,” says Rena, “and the reason was that I’d turned my life over to the Lord.”

 In the pre-surgery room, Rena’s husband told her “I love you” then asked the doctor “When will I golf again?” before they wheeled him into the operating room for what should have been a six-hour surgery. Rena was surrounded with friends and her pastor in the waiting room. They prayed together and she put her trust in God.

 Six hours passed, then another and another. After 12 hours, the doctor came out with grim news: something had gone wrong. Her husband was alive, but he was in a coma. Everything that could go wrong had gone wrong.

 Rena spent day and night at her husband’s side in ICU, where she’d pray for him, talk to him, sing to him, even scream at him – anything that might provoke a response, but he remained unresponsive. Weeks turned to months, and her husband was transferred to a long-term care facility. After eight months, he finally opened his eyes. Rena thought her prayers had been answered, but he didn’t recognize her. He was just a shadow of his former self.

 Talking it about it now, she raises an eyebrow and smiles when she admits “I did get mad at God.” Her anger boiled over on one particular rainy night. Rena was home. She was alone. She felt crushing loneliness.

 “I was at my wits’ end … I went outside in the rain, screaming, yelling, throwing the patio furniture at my God,” Rena said. “I asked him ‘How do you think I can handle this?’ It was pretty intense. I felt like I had a knock-down, drag-out with him.”

When her fury ran out, she was exhausted. But afterward, she felt peace. It was time to start anew. Her job was gone, she lost her one-time dream house. She let it all go.  

 “Everybody said I should move on, but I didn’t know how, so I just moved.” Rena moved to Mission Viejo and began attending Saddleback Church. Here she received encouragement, but was still carrying guilt and pain. Her husband hadn’t passed away; there was no closure, no burial, no casket . . . never an end.

 But when she was baptized at Saddleback last August, the pastor asked her what she wanted from baptism. The answer leaped from her heart to her lips: “I want forgiveness – to forgive and be forgiven.”

 God granted her the gift. “Since then, I have been able to once again feel joy in my heart, to be at peace with my situation and trust that this is simply the way it is. I have days when I feel happy without feeling guilty. My God has showered me with his grace and I am so grateful.”

 She pauses when asked how she had the courage to accept God’s forgiveness and a fresh start in her life. She points to the never-wavering support from her friends – a love that she never felt worthy of before now. “I’m sort of like Job,” she suggests. “No, that’s not true. Job’s friends left him. My friends never did.”

She knows for all the pain, the love she shared with her husband during their time together was a gift. She’s grateful for what he left her with – the memories and the friendships. She also knows now to never give up on the Lord. She learned a lesson that night in the rain. “I turned my back on God for a split second … that must be what hell is like…I don’t ever want to go back there again. No matter what.”