Daring to Trust

Timothy Abbott sat absolutely terrified as he contemplated sharing the painful secret for the first time in his life. He feared being judged because of the abuse he received as a child. But as he sat in the open share night at Celebrate Recovery, Timothy knew God was asking him to overcome the fear and share his pain.

“I remember the tears, and I remember the anguish and having to trust God,” recalls Timothy. As he brought the secret out into the light it allowed him to begin to trust his heavenly father even though he couldn’t depend on his earthly father for protection from his childhood abusers.

It hadn’t been easy to get to this point — to overcome the secret pain that created a lifelong struggle with guilt, shame, and anger.

In 2007, Timothy was overwhelmed with mounting work, family, and church responsibilities. He felt empty and couldn’t give anymore. Negative emotions buried deep within him began to surface. He had started marriage counseling and it began to uncover a lot of anxiety and pent-up anger. He couldn’t escape the trauma of having an alcoholic father who did nothing to protect him from others who abused him.

He continued to struggle, despite curbing his ministry hours, because he couldn’t let go of his hurt. His marriage counselor suggested Timothy seek additional help through Celebrate Recovery (CR) at Saddleback. It provides a safe place enabling recovery from hurts, hang-ups and habits. Along with his commitment to the CR program, Timothy made Saddleback Church his home.

About a third of the way into his CR program, Timothy continued to be in denial. Dealing with the pain not only meant exposing the truth, but overcoming his doubts: How could he ever trust and depend on God if he could not even trust his own father? One evening at home, he blacked out and collapsed from an anxiety attack. He fell in and out of consciousness, waking up dazed, not knowing what had happened. He was taken to the hospital, put on medication and admitted as a patient under suicide watch.

He was hospitalized for two weeks, suffering from severe depression. “It was pretty darn scary,” Timothy now recalls. Despite his condition, Timothy felt God’s presence. “I was in a dark place, but I wasn’t alone. God was with me.” Although he had limited visitation rights and was required to participate in the hospital’s own 12 step program, Timothy continued to receive CR support during his hospitalization. Timothy reflects, “I can’t imagine someone going through what I did without God in their life. With God there is hope and purpose. Without CR, it would have been a different outcome. I would still be hospitalized under meds. I’m now off meds.”

After his discharge, Timothy continued to work on his healing. It was during this time Timothy learned to let God into his heart, and to let God start working on his behalf. When that happened, Timothy’s transformation began in all areas of his life.

Timothy had never tithed because money was scarce when he was growing up and there were times when his family lived off food stamps. “Money was hard to come by and hard to make and I held onto it tightly.” But with a closer personal relationship with God, Timothy began to trust God with his finances. “Its not until you start really trusting God and start experiencing what that’s like, that you start realizing there are a lot of people that have sacrificed and given up so much. And that’s when I started tithing and started realizing that my tithe is giving back to bless others.”

Letting thankfulness and trust be his guide, Timothy decided to give ten percent even when he was in debt. “I went online and I did the whole online payment thing so that way I couldn’t back out of it. And sure enough, God started blessing us, and blessing us even more. It’s hard to describe but we just ended up at the end of the day having more money, having more time, more energy.” Over time, Timothy increased his giving to include other Saddleback initiatives, such as Orphan Care and PEACE trips.

Timothy was part of a PEACE trip to London; he saw firsthand what God was doing in other communities. “I have this joy in my heart of seeing how that money is being used around the globe, trusting that God’s going to use it to further his will.” In a few short years, Timothy changed from a broken man who did not fully trust God, to one who could depend on God to protect his healing heart, and depend on God for his provision while blessing others with a joyful heart.

As he leaned on God, Timothy learned that God had been pursuing him all along. “He never gave up on me even when I gave up on myself and those around me.” When Timothy took steps of risk to accept God’s love, he learned God sees all his flaws, but loves him unconditionally.

In November 2010, Timothy obediently followed God to a new Saddleback location and made Rancho Capistrano his home campus. In that community, he finally found his purpose as a kids’ ministry volunteer by connecting his hurt with his spiritual gift, heart, ability, personality and experiences. He learned his love for kids and protective nature were rooted in his desire to make sure that children never have to go through what he did as a child. Timothy teaches them their identity is in Christ and not in their circumstances or experiences. No longer burdened or exhausted, Timothy now serves with a joyful heart, without limits.

April 2015 marks Timothy’s eighth year in CR. God is still using Timothy’s years of hurt and recovery to offer hope to others. “You know, they say in CR that God never wastes a hurt and I totally believe in it. I’ve been able to share my story with lots of people and I’m touched by their stories and what I can do.”  And to those who are not yet ready to trust or not ready to take the first step, Timothy says, “God is so faithful. If you want to learn how to trust him start with something small, then work your way up to the big stuff…to the things you’re holding onto and let him chisel away at all the other stuff until you get there.”