When God Turns a Mess into a Message

I grew up in a Catholic church and began attending Saddleback because I wanted a Bible-based church that would teach me the Word and how to become more like Jesus.  I spent many years attending the services before I officially became a member, and I couldn’t be happier with my decision to become part of our church family.

Saddleback has influenced my life in several ways. I’m now the leader of our small group, my entire family now attends Saddleback, and I was re-baptized at the 35th Anniversary Celebration at the Angel Stadium.

I have wanted to share my story because I know there are people that have been through similar difficulties. My personal motto is that God can turn my mess into a message. To be honest, I had a privileged childhood in comparison to others around the country and the world.  I grew up being athletic, lettering in three sports in high school. I went on to earn a full-ride athletic scholarship to play softball at Indiana University. Going into my sophomore year of college, my generous parent bought me a car, and we decided to drive the car from California to Indiana.

Unfortunately, we didn’t make it out of California before having a terrible accident. The car rolled six times, ejecting my parents. Fortunately (or unfortunately) for me, I was not knocked unconscious and waited the 30 minutes for the fire department, police, and paramedics to arrive to our remote location. As the medevac took my dad and I to the hospital I begged God for those 25 minutes for one thing — please save my dad. My mom went in another medevac and hospital because they needed two trauma teams to work on her.

After a night full of surgeries, the doctors gave us the news that my dad would not make it and that this was our chance to say goodbye. My heart broke, knowing that I killed my father, even if it was an accident. At that moment, as I said goodbye, I also asked God to take mercy on my family and save my father. After eight long month and three hospitals later, my dad pulled through. They still refer to him at Loma Linda hospital as “the miracle man.” I know that it was a miracle from God.

Because I was also hurt in the accident, I had my first experience with pain medication. I quickly discovered it to be an escape from the flashbacks and the guilt I felt from injuring the people that sacrificed so much for me over the years. Thankfully, my addiction did not get out of control due to my involvement in college athletics. I actually went on to graduate school, earning a fellowship. After grad school I started a lucrative, but demanding, career in financial consulting. With the constant travel and stress, I went back to prescription drugs as an escape.

A few years later, I went through the worst experience of my life. My brother, who was my best buddy, took his life. I felt, and still feel, terrible guilt because I was the last to talk to him. He took his life in our family home, where my parents and I lived through the horror of seeing his lifeless body. There was no note, but his Bible was open next to his bed. Being a follower of Christ, I believe the pain he felt on earth is now gone and that he is home in heaven. But this didn’t make the wreckage he left behind any easier.  

This is when my prescription pill addiction kicked back into full effect. I took six months off of work to grieve, spending hours in therapy. But something was still missing. The pills changed me into a shell of my former self, simply existing and not living. I lost friends and family due to my addiction. I knew I needed to change so I went to rehab to detoxify my body, and started attending Celebrate Recovery. When my head was finally clear, I realized that I could be mad at God for letting this happen, or I could turn to him to help me heal. I choose the latter because I know that God is not the enemy.

Being a part of the Saddleback family has impacted my life for the better. I now have friends that love me for who I am, flawed and broken. Now I spend every morning before work reading the Word and having precious alone time with God. I'm not a Christian so that I can be perfect. I'm a Christian because I'm imperfect, but I know that God can use me to help others through his grace.