Discovering a New Dream

“What works for one family doesn’t work for all families,” Vanessa Gaudette’s mom told her during an emotional phone call on Mother’s Day weekend that caused Vanessa and her husband, John, to question everything about their decision to have a second child.

It had been easy to dream about the future – get married, have a few kids – but the reality proved to be much more difficult.

Vanessa gave birth to the couple’s first son, Caleb, in 2011. But when it came time to consider having another child, Vanessa felt apprehension where she had expected excitement. Living with an anxiety disorder, she hoped to be off medication before conceiving, but the fear of having a second child debilitated her with heightened anxiety and insomnia.

Vanessa couldn’t fully articulate why she felt so fearful, so her heart went on unsettled. Perhaps it was the lingering feeling that God was calling her to adopt – a feeling stifled for years by her ability to have children naturally.

They realized conceiving naturally wasn’t so easy after months of trying left them back at square one. Unable to get pregnant, Vanessa felt insecure in her role as a woman and as a mother. What is wrong with me that I can’t get pregnant? Am I less of a woman because I may not even want another natural child?

It was a tearful conversation with her mother that broke down Vanessa’s fears and drew her closer to God’s plan for her family. Her mother reminded Vanessa that families come in different sizes, shapes, and colors – society can’t dictate her family dynamic. Expectations, fears, and barriers were broken by the encouragement of her mother, and Vanessa felt confident in the next step. “I had been scared because I was getting sicker, I was getting older, and I realized I was just trying to play God. I had to give up.”

The months went on, and the idea of adoption seemed more and more concrete to Vanessa, but John felt more and more fearful to let go of his own dream. He thought to himself, “If we can have our own kids, we should.”

After a year and a half of trying to conceive, John and Vanessa realized giving birth to a second child was not going to be a part of their story. Vanessa apprehensively told her husband one day that she wanted to stop trying to get pregnant, and more than that, she wanted to adopt.

 “Adoption meant I had to give up the vision of what I thought my life would look like,” John says as he reflects on the days he spent wrestling with God over this decision. His wife had given up her dreams of getting pregnant, but John wasn’t convinced.

A Saddleback member for many years, John was where he usually is on a Sunday morning – sitting in church – when he heard God clearly speaking to him through the message Pastor Rick delivered on what it means to have daring faith. He remembers the exact words found in Romans 6:13: “Use your whole body as an instrument to do what is right for the glory of God." For John, these words changed everything. He had given his money to God for years, but his faith was truly tested when he had to give up his plans to God.

From his seat that Sunday, John thought about Vanessa’s hope to adopt, and prayed a dangerous prayer of surrender. He told God, “Okay, if there is a child for us out there and if this is a part of your plan, I at least pray that you will keep her safe and healthy.”

The Daring Faith series encouraged the giving of funds, but more importantly, the posture of surrendering to God and trusting in his plan. “Writing the check was the easy part,” John says. “But for us, having true daring faith meant taking this step and handing over my plans to God.”

For the first time in years, the two felt peace about their future together. Doors opened and the Lord presented options and conversations that confirmed their decision to adopt.

Vanessa remembers the phone call with an adoption agency based in Uganda that calmed all of her anxiety. “It was one of the best phone calls of my life,” she reflects. As someone who has spent so much of her life worrying about the next step, it was a true miracle that Vanessa felt peace after hanging up the phone.

The woman on the other line laid out a step-by-step plan for the couple to adopt from Uganda, which confirmed the feeling Vanessa had for years that God had a little girl in Africa waiting for her.

The road to adoption is long, winding, and full of unexpected turns, but John and Vanessa know they are headed in the right direction.

“We were being prepared to adopt from Africa for a long time before we even realized we were going to,” says John as he looks back on the ways God has been slowly softening his heart toward adoption. As a member of a church whose heart breaks for adoption and a brother to three adopted siblings, who better prepared for the journey ahead?

“I am confident that two years from now, we will have our little girl by our side,” Vanessa says through tears of joy.

Each morning on the way to school, John prays with his three-year-old son. "We put on the armor of God and we pray that mommy has a good day at work." And now, that prayer looks a little different. "Now we also pray for a healthy sister."

Interested in learning more about adoption and orphan care? Click HERE.