To Lose a Child, Yet Gain a Family

Dolores was content with her life in New York, despite the challenges she had faced. She had endured an abusive marriage, the subsequent divorce, and the loss of many of their mutual friends, all while trying to raise her young son David. But she had made new friends and was active in a new church. Little did she know, an even bigger crisis was about to unfold in her life, this time in the form of her son, David.

David had always been a kind, friendly, and very generous boy. But when he was in middle school, he started getting into trouble and began smoking marijuana. When she discovered he was in danger of being expelled from his junior high school, Dolores knew she had to do something drastic. An opportunity arose for her to move to California and she knew she needed to leave her beloved New York for David’s sake.

Things seemed to work out for a little while in Southern California, but Dolores soon found out that David was ditching school. The apartment would smell of marijuana and he and his friends would have emptied the fridge by the time she came home from work. In the midst of these painful concerns, she cried tears alone.

While in the depths of this dilemma, a work colleague invited Dolores to visit Saddleback Church. She loved the messages right away. “I found answers to all my questions about life there,“ she says. “I learned that you can’t earn God’s love, you can only turn towards it.“ Saddleback members welcomed her with love and despite her concerns about David, Dolores experienced a resurgence in her spirit. She joined a small group, and because of her relationship with Jesus and her group, she found her courage, dignity, and confidence restored.

Sadly David didn’t share this newfound joy. A few times Dolores managed to convince him to come to church with her, others earnestly reached out to him. As his substance abuse continued, Dolores even tried to connect David with the then-new Celebrate Recovery ministry, but he vehemently wanted to stay away from anything to do with church. Dolores‘ heart broke; she so much wished for her son to feel the same peace she was now experiencing.

At 18 David seemed to recover some stability. He left home, started a relationship, and moved into an apartment with a friend who also gave him a job. “God was definitely looking after him during that time,“ Dolores says. “His girlfriend was good for him and living with that friend was a real blessing in the midst of all of David‘s challenges.“

The change didn’t last very long. Soon David drank more and more, leading to a break up with his girlfriend. His roommate stayed with him though, looking out for him and looking after him.

Again and again, Dolores reached out to her son, offering help and emotional support. But the pull of David’s addiction was much stronger. Dolores learned to set healthy boundaries, not to let herself be manipulated and to look after herself in those challenging times. “It was a rocky road, but God was always carrying me,” she says. “There were many difficult situations. Once he stole jewelry from me and I had to get it back from the pawnshop. Another time he tried to blackmail me by threatening to commit suicide.”

Dolores went through all of this with surprising love and inner strength. “I knew God would not let go of my hand,” she explains. While David seemed to be in a constant downward spiral Dolores found stability in her small group. Again and again she shared a multitude of concerns with them. It did her good to have a family in them that helped carry her desperate longing to understand why she couldn’t heal her son. “Of course they couldn’t really change my situation, but them listening really helped.”

Not only did Dolores never tire of inviting David to church but she reached out to her other family members, too. Soon her parents, her cousin and other relatives became Saddleback members and found meaning and peace there, too. Only David seemed to be incapable of receiving the hope, love, and relief from life’s emptiness that Christ can provide.

The 25 years of abuse finally took its toll on David’s body. One tragic day his body was found by a friend hours after David had passed. “It was horrible when that happened, and yet I can see God’s grace in it, too,” Dolores says with tears in her eyes. “First, that David could die quickly without much pain. Second, that a wonderful friend from my small group loved me without pity or obligation by staying with me during the first week after David‘s passing.”

Today it is still difficult for Dolores to talk about David‘s death. “I moved to California for him. He didn’t get free from his problems and yet God used him so much for my family. Ultimately David was the reason so many of my family members became Christians.”

Without Saddleback and her small group, Dolores’ life would have been much different. “I would have ended up as a basket case without my small group and this church,” she says. “I learned to fight for a good cause with all my strength. I know that God will finish the work that he started — he has given me peace about this,” she says.

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