Battling Together Through Mental Illness

Receiving a phone call from your daughter on Mother's Day should be a good thing. But when you know that answering the phone will bring pain and drama into your life, what do you do?

On Mother’s Day last year, Nancy headed to Saddleback Church with Mike, her husband, and her youngest daughter. She was looking forward to getting a little spoiled by her family after the service. During the message, the mother-daughter team of Kay Warren and Amy Hilliker were co-teaching an honest and touching Daring Faith message entitled, "Daring to Grow a Deep Soul." As Kay was discussing a "Complicated Mother's Day", Nancy's phone began buzzing. Her oldest daughter Abby kept calling and calling. Nancy squeezed past the people sitting in her row and headed outside to take the call.  

Abby was not with the rest of the family that day. She was 20, homeless, living in a tent and off the medications she was prescribed to help her manage mental illness. Abby was calling her mother because she was suicidal, paranoid and terrified. Nancy's Mother's Day became very complicated.

Nancy’s family life hadn't always been this dramatic. Abby had been coming to Saddleback with her family since she was three years old.  By the time she was 13, Abby had been on three international missions trips.  Nancy always thought of Abby as her little missionary girl.  At the same time, something seemed off.  Abby, though incredibly bright, performed poorly in school. Coupled with ongoing behavioral issues, Abby was kicked out of her junior high school and had to be homeschooled.

As Nancy watched Abby continue to struggle, she and Mike made the decision to pursue professional help. At 16, Abby was diagnosed. Her very real struggle that had haunted her life now had a name — bipolar disorder.

Abby was prescribed medication to help balance the chemicals churning in her brain. But as a girl's body goes through complex changes at that age, correct dosage became a moving target. Abby began self-medicating in an attempt to improve the trajectory of the meds. This led to a series of bad decisions; including experimenting with methamphetamine and engaging in destructive relationships.

Being a juvenile with minimal financial resources limited the experimentation Abby could partake in. But then she turned 18, and received an inheritance. Abby took the money and moved to Arizona, to live with a family friend. The additional cash in her pocket kept meth in her life. Eventually, the paranoia became too much to handle and Abby broke down and called the suicide hotline. Nancy's husband Mike went to Arizona and drove his daughter home.

Returning to family life in Orange County did not relieve Abby’s struggle. Continued meth use and bad decision making led her to move out of the house and into a tent in the woods in Mission Viejo. Nancy would cringe every time she heard sirens or watched a news story about a fire in the area, praying desperately that her daughter would be safe. Friends would call Nancy letting her know they saw Abby on a corner, holding a sign.

Feeling like a horrible parent with zero control over what was happening, Nancy got involved with the Friends and Family of those with Mental Illness support group at Saddleback. There she found solace from other parents, as well as from individuals who struggle with mental illness, but have learned how to manage it. 

In the midst of that encouraging community, Nancy learned it wasn't her responsibility to fix Abby. Her role was to love her daughter and trust God. Over the years, Nancy leaned heavily on Jeremiah 29:11 NLT, “For I know the plans I have for you,” says the LORD. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.” Trusting this promise gives comfort.  Not that everything will be easy, but that God is in control and will provide for us.

Nancy has been able to witness God’s help in Abby’s life. She is out of the woods, at least physically. Learning to manage her medications has allowed Abby to live a relatively normal life. Bipolar disorder cannot be cured, but it can be managed. Being surrounded by a loving family and church plays a significant role in her happiness and growth.

Parents of children who struggle with mental illness face many challenges. Nancy's best advice is to not isolate. She explains, "That's what you want to do because of guilt. You blame yourself — you don't want other people to know because it's a reflection of you, and that's not true!" Nancy has also become a proponent of self-care. She has learned so much from reading Kay Warren's book, Choose Joy. Nancy finds her joy in photography, caring for babies and faithfully continuing to attend her support group. In the beginning, the group poured into Nancy. Now it's her turn to encourage others that there is a future, and a hope. Even Abby has attended support group and shared her story. Watching Abby share gives Nancy tremendous joy. Together, Nancy and Abby redeem their pain by encouraging those still in the trenches.

CLICK HERE TO LEARN MORE ABOUT HOPE FOR MENTAL HEALTH.