Learning Not to Give Up

It would have been easy for Gary to blame his wife for the failure of his marriage. After all, he felt like he was doing everything he could to keep the marriage together. His wife wanted to leave, and she constantly told Gary that she just wanted to be happy. Gary’s pain was deeper than words could convey. Questions kept swirling in his mind:Why? What is the purpose of all this pain? How can I go on?

His divorce brought him to a low place — a suffering that plummeted him to the bottom of his existence and left him facedown in disappointment. A failed relationship. A divorce. Shattered dreams. Discouragement. Lost hope. Depression.

Gary didn’t want to be alone, stewing by himself in all the wrongs he perceived his wife had done to him. He called other separated and divorced men to seek answers. But this just left him feeling stuck in the past.

“Rejection was the last thing I expected from someone I trusted so deeply,” Gary said. “The emotional wound cut deep, mostly because it was so unexpected.”  

In search of answers, Gary decided to look for a church home. Soon, he was attending Saddleback off and on. When a friend invited him to a Separated Men’s support group, a group designed to help men who were dealing with separation and divorce, he realized he had finally found a place of healing.

Slowly, his perspective on marriage began to change. The group consisted of men who were seeing their lives and families torn apart by divorce. Yet, every man was asking the same question, “Why is this happening to me?” That’s when Gary knew he had to own his part in the divorce — to admit that failure was not entirely his wife’s fault or responsibility.

“I needed to learn from my past, and it very painful experience, but I didn’t know how,” Gary said. “I was being stupid. I lived my life without God in it, and it showed in my cockiness and arrogance. And I was looking for solutions in all the wrong places.”

Feeling like he had nowhere else to turn, he attended the Separated Men’s group every week. Gradually, the guys became his family. All of them had experienced the same desperate hopelessness Gary had, yet together, they were guiding one another toward God’s peace.

“Creating a safe place for open communication, we shared our failures,” Gary said. “We learned to be accountable to each other. It wasn’t easy, but God slowly began to teach each one of us that our failures can give us wisdom.”

When his life was crumbling, Gary was quick to blame everyone else. Through the studies with this group, he learned that only when he was willing to admit his faults could God scoop up the rubble of his life and create good out of it.

As Gary began attending Saddleback services regularly, he learned that many people truly didn’t know their purpose in life. So, Gary began to ask God to help him know and understand his purpose.

When a senior leader in the church approached Gary about leading the Separated Men’s group, Gary had some misgivings. He had never led a group before. He didn’t know what to expect. He was unsure about whether he had the ability to help other men.

“But I felt God tugging on me to do this,” he said. “I knew that once a couple separated, the odds of saving the marriage were dismal. I didn’t want anyone else to experience the pain of divorce. There are millions of ravaged homes, devastated hearts, and shattered dreams. Could my experience prevent some of this brokenness from happening? I had learned that masking the pain does not lead to emotional health or recovery. Because of my growth through this group, I saw this invitation as opportunity to develop a greater sense of purpose, spend more time in God’s presence, and gain a new perspective on my pain.”

Gary took this request and created a new support group called Men on the Edge. The goal of this group is to educate men who are struggling in their marriages, giving them godly principles to help them uncover the roadblocks and overcome the challenges that are preventing a loving union with their spouse. The ministry, through short studies on different topics, gives men a supportive place to delve into their own personal growth.

“When a new participant arrives, he talks mostly about what his wife is doing wrong,” Gary said. “In a compassionate, loving manner, the group begins to ask this man, ‘What is your part in the failure? What does God want you to do? How can you grow from this experience?’” Gary feels strongly that growth cannot take place until men slow down to learn where God is working in their lives. Failing to admit their character flaws causes men to stagnate, unable to mature.

Today, the ministry helps over 120 men a year develop a closer relationship with God by diving into their questions and hurt. Because all the men in the group have experienced relational difficulties, they can honestly tell newcomers, “I have experienced what you are going through. and I am here to tell you that if you have faith in God, he will get you through this — just as he got me through my difficulties.”

The time each man spends in the program varies with the level of difficulties they want to resolve. “Once men start digging into their lives, they begin to realize they didn’t get into this situation overnight,” Gary said. “If they are honest with themselves, they easily identify several flaws. They work the program until it begins to change them. Most wives enjoy the benefits of her husband’s hard work. He starts coming home a different man, a better man.”

This perspective had helped Gary, in his lowest place, see God more clearly. “He can take the worst things in your life — loss, abandonment, failure — to create the best for you,” he said. Though his first marriage failed, Gary learned how to communicate better, focus on God, and work on his own shortcomings.

“Learning those things felt like open heart surgery without any anesthetic,” Gary said. “Whatever you do, though, don’t give up! The pain taught me how to be honest and authentic.”

Gary has since remarried, and he and his wife recently celebrated their 15th anniversary. “She keeps me grounded,” he said. “God refined me in the middle of my crisis. Going through it gave me a sense of purpose and increased my faith. I now feel balanced with God at the center of our marriage.”

Click HERE to learn more about Men On the Edge support group

Learn more about Saddleback support groups at saddleback.com/supportgroups

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