Surviving Betrayal

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With a newborn baby in my arms, my hormones all out of whack and sleep deprivation in full effect, my husband sat me down at 10:30pm on February 24, 2016, and dropped a bomb on our marriage. He told me about his lust and pornography addiction that started in junior high had picked up steam every year since. I sat there numb, confused, shocked, ignorant as all get out. The days and weeks to follow were hell. Our marriage of six years seemed a pile of rubble. My pillow was covered in mascara stains from hours of crying. Getting out of bed seemed too much some mornings. I would go on walks and just sob. Our relationship seemed like a lie and all our memories seemed to be filtered through a new lens now. While most things seemed uncertain at that time, I held fast to a few unshakable truths.

First, I remembered that God can make all things new again. As I lay there in a heap that night, I clung to the fact that God is in the business of rebuilding. He brings death to life whether that be a body, a spirit, a relationship, or a marriage. I knew that at the bottom of the pile of ashes, there was still a small seed of hope.

The second thing I knew I had to do was reach out. Upon hearing my husband’s confession, I couldn't think of anyone who struggled with pornography. Not one. I knew this couldn’t be the case, but I felt so alone. I figured either the spouse didn’t know or they knew and didn’t have anyone safe to share with. Both facts devastated me. I knew I had to share with my women’s small group table the next morning and my husband encouraged me to do so. I showed up 12 hours later, eyes still puffy from the night before, and ugly-cried with the ladies. They nodded their heads in understanding as I shared and instantly I felt heard, understood, and validated in my deepest pain. I am forever grateful for that community and how they were the hands of Jesus that morning.

My next step was to reach out to women wiser than me. I called and texted several women who I knew had either walked this road or walked with others along the road and nestled in under their wing. They encouraged both my husband and I on our darkest days. They prayed for us, stayed in our home, watched our kids, validated our pain, and gave wise counsel in our healing process. It was important to be connected to other couples that survived and are now thriving after what seemed unbearable for us in the moment.

The fourth thing we did was Christian counseling through Milan and Kay Yerkovich’s office. The “How We Love” book gave us the tools we were missing to rebuild our marriage. We learned about ourselves individually and then how to better express our needs and feelings to one another on a daily basis. We had the feelings word list fromtheir book taped up in various places in our home and referred to it often in those first few months. We continue to implement the communication strategies in our marriage today. The counseling was expensive but after our first appointment, we walked out of the office and found a one hundred dollar bill lying in our path. With no one around to claim it, we took it as a clear sign from God that counseling was worth our time and money and he would provide.

Our fifth strategy for surviving betrayal is Celebrate Recovery. My husband attended the Friday night meeting immediately after disclosure and joined a step study the following week. It took me six months to show up on a Friday night, but I’m forever grateful I finally made the leap. CR has changed our lives. We have become more aware of our brokenness as individuals, and are now working on our own set of struggles which in turn makes us better together as a couple. The CR open share circles have also provided a place of validation and healing as other women share similar thoughts, questions, and struggles. It’s always nice to know I’m not alone. These women I’ve come to know and respect are precious to me. We share our deepest pain with one another and no one casts judgment. It’s such a safe place.

My final and favorite part of our story is sharing it with others. I don’t ever want someone to feel alone in this struggle or any other. My husband and I share our story when we have new friends over for dinner, with strangers out in public, in our Christmas newsletter, onstage and anywhere else God asks us to. What are the stains on my pillow for if not to share the hope and restoration we’ve experienced because of Christ’s work in us? Praise God! We can’t help but declare his goodness and faithfulness in our lives. We like to say that our marriage was torn down to the ground and God built it back up better than we could’ve dreamed of. The before and afters of our marriage are unrecognizable and God gets all the glory.

I’d like to encourage you if you feel alone in a struggle you are facing. Find someone safe you can tell. Satan loves to tell you that you’re the only one who struggles with “that” but it’s a lie, straight from the pit of hell. Don’t give him that power over you. Shame will keep you silent because once you connect to other believers, he knows you’ll be on the road to recovery. Get on the road! I don’t always feel grateful for my husband’s addiction, but I know God used that evil and turned it on its head for his good purpose and glory. We wouldn’t be the couple we are today without walking through this refining fire. May we grow to be more and more like Jesus every day because we let him chisel anything out of our lives that doesn’t reflect his character. I’ll see you at Celebrate Recovery, friend!